The Worst of 2010

Before we start on the good, I need to get some bile out of my mouth. Last year, I included some movies that, while undeniably terrible, I absolutely loved; for instance, the Friday the 13th remake. This year, I decided to go with the movies that I know I will never, ever see again. Not without some convincing, at least. For this reason, Legion is left off the list.

Can I say, though, that this was one of the most disappointing cinema years for me? These films were outright terrible, and the "awards" films are great, but for the most part, it was twelve months of mediocrity. You won't find Robin Hood, The Tourist or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo here, but you won't find them in my Top 25 either.

10. The Crazies

If you can't be a good movie, at least be amusingly wretched. But to be as mediocre and noncommittal as The Crazies is disappointing. I turned 21 while in that theater, but it felt like I turned 31.

9. You Again

Creepy unintentional incest, inconsistent characters, and not a laugh to be found. At least Sigourney came to work.

8. Clash of the Titans

(Number Eighteen on 25 Most Anticipated)

Ugh. The mystery that is Gemma Arterton continues. She has all the charisma of Polly Pocket.

7. Chloe

(Number Twenty-One on 25 Most Anticipated)

How can a movie featuring a sex scene between Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore be boring? Chloe, sadly enough, answers that question, again and again, throughout its runtime.

6. Jonah Hex

Wait...I saw this?

5. The Wolfman

Gaaaaaah I wanted to love you why did you betray me? Your VFX looked like VFX! Your cinematography was too dark to see anything! Anthony Hopkins stopped acting years ago! Gaaaah!

4. Love Ranch

I think I balanced my checkbook or something during this movie.

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street

I love horror movies. I love terrible horror movies. I've seen all the Saw movies in theaters. I love the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes. I hate this movie.

2. Alice in Wonderland

So much money wasted on an unimaginative and ugly wasteland. Mr. Burton, you disappoint me.

1. Splice

There are few movies out there that fill me with such frustrated, seething anger. Every time I remember it, I go blind for a moment, the world goes red, and all I see is that fucking Dren. "Inside...you..." Drop. Dead.

Thank God for the Test Screening

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

I've yet to tell you about my test-screening experience of Hot Tub Time Machine!

It was at the AMC, and of course I wouldn't normally go after the way they fucked me on The Wolfman, but it was free. And a test screening. So I went with a group of friends, including my roommate. Now, my roomie has been psyched for this movie since he heard the title. Me, I didn't care for the trailers, and thought the whole concept was stupid. But I began looking forward to it, since I really like John Cusack. And it was free.

I have to say I was disappointed...with the crowd, that is. For how could they not be laughing at every single hilarious moment of this outrageously funny film??? Ok, that's a wee hyperbolic, but I dug it. Even though I realized it wasn't stunningly original and cheated a lot (we don't have to make sense because we don't have to!), I had a great time. Craig Robinson is all right, although it sucks that they started putting his best scenes in the TV spots. John Cusack is hilarious in this, with a youthful energy that he's been missing of late. Clark Duke is funny, Chevy Chase is funny. But Rob Corddry...oh man, Corddry walks off with the show. Profane, childish, sad, and down-to-party, Corddry is the true star of the film, in terms of story as well as who you remember after.

I wasn't disappointed. It was cheesy and gross, but I loved it. The audience I was with should have loved it. And it was interesting to see an effects-heavy movie that still had green screen kinks. I loved the 1980s costumes and production design...delightfully garish! The soundtrack, of course, was awesome. And the squirrel...oh the squirrel!

LEGION

Have I mentioned yet that Legion has great effects, a bombastic score, and absolutely no business existing? Seriously, how in the world do Paul Bettany, Kevin Durand and Dennis Quaid manage to sell this shit? That is incredible. I will say this: it's a damn good time. Oh, it's a terrible movie, but it is hilarious.

THE CRAZIES

Mediocre. This movie has it all: listless score, jump scares, characters that are introduced and promptly forgotten, a refusal to commit to any deeper meaning, and NICK OF TIME saves...four times over. Also, it can't decide whether the "monsters" are clear-thinking or zombies. And does it really matter how close a house is to the main water supply? The plot hinges on this, yet I always assumed it didn't matter: we all get the water. It's not like the one house hordes the water for a day or two before allowing the rest of the town a taste. What a stupid movie. I hate it so much. It's not even bad enough to be funny, which is one of the most criminal moves of all.