Thursday, February 26, 2009

Across the Pond, and Holy Crap

It seems strange to think that Whatever Works is a stand-out for Woody Allen due to its use of New York as the setting (remember Manhattan?). Hell, I was sure he would stay in New York for at least another one. This is, alas, not to be, and the Woodster is returning to London for his latest, tentatively titled, "Untitled Woody Allen London Project". Catchy.

But wait wait wait. What is this? One of the kick-assiest casts ever has been lined up? Do tell!

Casting couch, indeed
Remember Hot Blonde ScarJo? Well, this time around, Woody's gotten Incredibly Beautiful and Super Talented Blonde, Academy Award Nominee Naomi Watts. I haven't been this happy about an Allen casting since Patty Clarkson's back-to-back awesomeness. I know, I know -- Whatever Works isn't out yet, but I have faith! Anyway, Naomi Watts is in a Woody Allen movie and holy shit that rocks.

Lordy, I'm gettin' the vapors!
Academy Award Nominee Josh Brolin returns for another Woody go-round! Yes, he previously had a small role in Melinda and Melinda, an experiment that I remember not being fond of. Between you, me, and the fly on the wall, I find it bizarre that out of everyone in that movie, it's Brolin who Allen gets back. I mean, we're talking about a cast that included Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Arija Bareikis. But hey, I'm a Brolin fan, so this is pretty cool.

Freida Pinto. Her first movie won Best Picture, and her second movie is by Woody Allen. Does he just watch the Oscars in search of hot young babes to cast? Penelope Cruz, Freida Pinto, Patricia Clarkson...
Please tell me he's the neurotic...
Antonio Banderas?!? Does this mean he might have a career again? Outside of Shrek? I certainly hope so. This is certainly turning out to be Woody's sexiest cast since...well, since Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which featured Latin lover Javier Bardem. Huh. Is this going to be a continuing trend?

Just as confused as I am.
Oscar Winner Sir Anthony Hopkins. The mind boggles.

For your consideration
Ok, I've read nothing that would even suggest that Patricia Clarkson is in this one, too. But I would absolutely LOVE it if she was. Please, God, if she finally gets an Oscar, let it be for Woody Allen!

Sunday, February 22, 2009


I lost my Oscar pool by just one point. If I had predicted Sean Penn instead of Mickey Rourke, it would have been a three-way tie between my roommate, a guest, and myself. Unfortunately, I went with my heart, which what did it for me on Supporting Actress, too (Amy Adams over Penelope Cruz...I knew better).

Still, what a great show. Hugh Jackman, I think, was one of the better hosts we've seen, high above Ellen, Chris Rock, and last year's Jon Stewart. I thought the whole idea of pre-production, production, and post was stellar. Putting Director before Actress and Actor was a ballsy move, but pretty cool. It broke the formula, made me interested.

Kate finally got an Oscar, so all is well with the world. Penelope Cruz is now an Oscar-winner, and in a Woody Allen movie no less -- the first time since Mira Sorvino won in 1994. Which might not bode well for Ms. Cruz, now that I think about it, but at least she'll always have it. And now she and Javier can have twin statuettes in their bedroom.

The idea of the Joker being an Oscar-winning role is one for the ages. The fact that Heath Ledger, star of A Knight's Tale, is an Oscar-winning actor, is inspiring. Wowsers.

I just don't get the Foreign Language category. Not that I'm mad or anything, I haven't seen any of the films nominated. But I just don't get it. Don't, like, the majority of them only get a release after the Oscars? It' confusing.

Slumdog won everything it was nominated for, except for Sound Editing, which went to The Dark Knight. And let me tell you, watching it right now on a big screen HD, on Blu-ray? It fucking rocks.

Birthday Break

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful woman in the world.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The 2008 Hollmann Awards in 2009!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Blue House is proud to present....

The 2008 Hollmann Awards in 2009!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is your host, television's Rose Nylund, BETTY WHITE!

Wow. I can't believe one of us made it! For two years, Bea, Rue and I have been relegated to that ghetto of presenting Best Picture. I just can't believe I'm the first one to break the trend -- me, the oldest Golden Girl! What are the chances? I know Bea and Rue are proud of me, they're the best friends a gal could have. But not this gal! Oh, I'm just kidding, you old fuddie-duddies! It's just such an honor to finally be here, representing and presenting. It reminds me of a story. You see, back in Hollywood, we would have all sorts of parties. There were Oscar parties, Globe parties, Guild parties, and even Emmy parties, for those of us who felt lonely. But one day, Ogden Lindstrom said, "Why don't we just have a fanboy party?" Well, everyone was just shocked. I mean, what do fanboys know, right? And Ogden Lindstrom died the loneliest old man in Hollywood. What's the point? Hell, fellas, if you want a moral, read O. Henry. If you want entertainment, stay where you are, because right now, we've got last year's Hollmann Award Winner for Best Actress, Marion Cotillard!

Bonjour, mes amis! I am so 'appy to be 'ere avec vous! True, I have a BAFTA, a Globe, and an Oscar, but zis award means so much to me, non? I can only hope you are as prrrroud to be 'ere as I am! Zis premier category is for ze Supporting Actor, oui? It eez a highly competitive field zis year, so let us take a look, non?

It is the 18th Century, and he rules his household like a tyrant. But there is a deeper sadness within. Ralph Fiennes, The Duchess.

It is the 21st Century, and he wants to rule with anarchy. Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight.

It is the 21st Century, and he wants to obtain the rough draft of his memoirs. But he is also a hot-tempered drunk. John Malkovich, Burn After Reading.

It is the 20th Century, and he is a Nazi officer plotting the assassination of Adolf Hitler. But he is too afraid to take charge himself. Bill Nighy, Valkyrie.

It is the 21st Century, and he is a police officer with good intentions. But his sometimes secretive ways doom others. Gary Oldman, The Dark Knight.

It eez with grrreat honor and privilege that I present a vous the premier winner of the evening. The Hollmann goes to....

A moment of silence for this posthumous award.

The first award is always my favorite. It means we've gotten under way, and boy how exciting that is! Well, to be quite honest, I really love the last award, because I get to go home. But I wouldn't be here if I didn't absolutely love Walter, now would I? WOULD I? You tell me. Oh, by the way, I would like to bring out the master of mouth noises, Michael Winslow.

God, it's nice to actually speak words instead of just making sounds. I get sick to fucking death of making helicopter noises, you know? And that scene in Spaceballs, with the beeps, the bleeps, the fucking whatever? Fucking whatever, man. I am done with this. But these guys aren't, which is why they do this for a living. Of course, they don't have to use their mouths, but they still bring the goods.

A monster attack in the middle of Manhattan becomes a nightmare before we even see the beast: Cloverfield.
Batman and others save Harvey Dent from the Joker's assassination attempt with the help of the batpod and a few trucks: The Dark Knight.
Tony Stark soars amid bullets and ice: Iron Man.
Hollywood stars are thrown into the midst of gun battles, flamethrowers, mutant insects, and dead pandas: Tropic Thunder.
A robot communicates, as the world around him reacts: WALL-E.

The envelope, please. This Hollmann Award goes to....

I'm sound guy Ben Burtt, and I just want to accept this award. It feels great to be the first winner in a new category. It wasn't easy doing the voice of WALL-E, but I guess I did something right. Thanks.

How exciting is that? Most exciting, I should say. But let me fill you in on a little history: The Hollmann Awards started in 2006, after Waltr missed the boat in 2005, the first time in which he saw 90% of Oscar-nominated films. He decided that he should offer his own take on things, and created the Hollmann Awards in 2006, as I just said. It was just ten categories then, but last year, he added Cinematography to the mix. As his knowledge of film has expanded, he has gone on to include six more categories, including the one that {blank} just won. Congratulations, {blank}, on being the first to win in a new Hollmann Category! To tell us about another, turn your attention to Project Runway's TIM GUNN!

I'm....concerned. Not with these fabulous choices, but with the taste of others. Only one of these nominees made it to the Oscars. Clearly, Mr. Hollmann is the only one here with real....chutzpah. May I present the nominees for Best Costume Design?

Capturing the style of the original show, while stil adding some panache of her own: Kym Barret, Speed Racer.

It may be feudal China, but she understands that this is fantastical tribute to kung fu flicks: Shirley Chan, The Forbidden Kingdom.

Blending fantasy and reality seamlessly: Eiko Ishioka, The Fall.

Accurately portraying the groundbreaking styles of Georgiana: Michael O'Connor, The Duchess.

Raising the bar with her contemporary designs for sportsmen, common men, and exotic dancers: Amy Westcott, The Wrestler.

A fight to the finish, indeed, down to the last seam. Quite a mix, here, folks. Now let me ascertain the winner. Ah, here we go.

Wow. Hollmann didn't even like this movie, but he's willing to overlook that for the pure truth. And truth be told, I MAKE THE BEST COSTUMES IN ALL THE LANDS! Up yours, O'Connor!

Oh, don't worry. I didn't do anything like truss up Betty after savagely beating her, or anything. I didn't. Honest. I'm just here to fulfill my everyday obligations: presenting you with the trailer to a Best Picture nominee. Now, this is a film I can really identify with. It tells the story of a man who is born as an elderly man, and ages backwards. What can I identify with, you ask? Well, do you really think I was born a woman? I give you, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

That gets to me every time. To think that Cate Blanchett looks better as a red head! Wow! I'm just glad I escaped that beating. Not that it happened. Please don't tell anyone, I love my family. Ahem. Anyway, as much as I love my family, I also have a place in my heart for this crazy character: Olivia Newton-John!

Oh, golly! I thought Xanadu was something, but Hollmann really is the word! You know, Betty and I have both done TV shows with Rue McClanahan. I guess that makes us Two of a Kind! I can't wait for the after-party Toomorrow, when us Wilde Girls get crazy with our Sordid Lives! Snowy River! Please remember these things. I'm still relevant, for God's sakes! As are these nominees for Best Original Song:

"The Nina, OH, the Pinta, OH, the Santa Maria, OH/I'll do you in the bottom while your drinking Sangria!" -- from Step Brothers, "Boats 'n' Hoes"
"Jai ho, jai ho/Jai ho, jai ho" -- from Slumdog Millionaire, "Jai Ho"
"Somewhere, maybe someday/Maybe somewhere far away/I'll meet a second little person/And we'll go out and play." -- from Synecdoche, New York, "Little Person"
"How did we get into this mess?/Pineapple Express!" -- from Pineapple Express, "Pineapple Express"
"Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor/Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?" -- from The Wrestler, "The Wrestler"

I have to believe, they are magic. The songs, I mean. And here to accept the award is Jon Brion, for his song....

I'm getting an award, and it's rather nice
See me smilin' 'bout it, with my dentifrice
Gonna go home now and fuck my chick
Maybe I'll use this trophy for my dick.
Thank you.

Oh... How bizarre. Anyway. Of the ten categoires that have been with the Hollmann Awards since its inception, that's only the second one given out tonight! And we're almost a quarter of the way through. You know, back in Hollywood, we have an old saying: "One quarter is fine, as long three-quarters is a trillion dollars." Because, you see, a quarter of a million is...a lot. A great deal of a lot. So yay for us! We love money! And now, Andy Serkis.

Doesn't Betty look great for her age? I'll tell you a little secret about it: post-production. You may think you're watching a live program, but there are artists right now touching everything up digitally. They're the visual effects people, and they actually brought me to fame thanks to my work as Gollum in The Lord of the Rings. Absolutely amazing, right? Well, thankfully, they're finally getting their due at the Hollmanns, so let's see what the first batch of nominees consists of:

They made a monster: Cloverfield.

They de-aged a man: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

They rose an immortal robot army: Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

They brought a super hero to life: Iron Man.

They made a live-action cartoon: Speed Racer.

Seamless stuff, here. The award for Best Visual Effects goes to....

Eric Barba here, VFX supervisor on Benjamin Button. Thanks for ecognizing great work. Work like mine. Which is great.

Can you believe we're already at the sixth category? We're about to cross the halfway point. I mean, sure, there's three categories to go before that happens, but doesn't this evening feel like it's moving fast? Like Speedy Gonzalez? You know, that wetback mouse from Looney Tunes? You know what I--what's that? Excuse me, my stage director is....what? Really? Since when is that a racist term? Well, really, it's not like they're real people, for God's sakes! *Sigh* Whatever, Melanie! Deal with it! And while she does, here to present Best Original Score is Hollmann Award Nominee Philip Glass.

It's eerie to be back after two years. Last time I was here, it was for my groundbreaking score to Notes on a Scandal. Or was it The Hours? Or Koyaanisqatsi? I don't know, I've been doing the same shit for forty years, I get confused sometimes. Thank goodness we have some variety here, eh? The nominees are:

Alexandre Desplat, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Michael Giacchino, Speed Racer
Dickon Hinchliffe, Married Life
James Newton Howard & Hans Zimmer, The Dark Knight
Rachel Portman, The Duchess

And the winner for Best Original Score at the 2008 Hollmann Awards in 2009 is....
Alexandre Desplat for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button!!!!

Merci beaucoup, M. Hollmann. I have not been invited to the ceremony since my nomination in 2006 for The Queen. Now, I am back. And WINNER!

What, you didn't think I'd reveal nominations and not show up for the Big Night, did you? I'm not Philip Baker Hall for God's sakes. I mean, we're about the same age, but you can hardly tell, right? RIGHT? Christ, I better call my "doctor" just in case. But while I worry about that, why don't the rest of you worry about how Batman will deal with a new threat in Gotham City in the next Best Picture Nominee, The Dark Knight.

Burt's such a kidder! About the same age as Philip? Please! Phil's at least ten years younger! Burt just knows what to do to look good. And speaking of hatchet-faces, may I present Dolly Parton!

Howdy, y'all! I know, I know. Me presenting Best Editing, a process that involves a lot of cutting and trimming to make something work. Big joke, right? Well, sure, but I still make more money than you'll ever dream of! How many other country western stars have their own theme park? Or double-E tits? Nobody, that's who! I love my plastic surgeons, but I wonder if they're a "cut" above these guys:

Kirk Baxter & Angus Wall, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Gregory, In Bruges
Dan Lebenthal, Iron Man
John Ottman, Valkyrie
Lee Smith, The Dark Knight

Let me just get that envelope. There we go. The Hollmann Award goes to...

Boy, this sure makes up for not getting a Score nomination. Thanks to Walter, to the Hollmann Awards, and to everyone who made both possible.

Goodness me, this just gets better and better! Seven awards have been handed out now. Last year, we would have only four more to go. The year before, only three! This year, we're not even halfway through it yet. NOT. EVEN. HALF. WAY. I'm getting a little tired, too. I'm 87, you know. I'm too old for this. Thankfully, Tim Burton isn't.

That's me. Tim Burton. I direct. But I am also heavily influenced by production designers. I love it so much. I'm glad I get to present the award for Best Art Direction this year. It gets me off. The nominees:

For bringing an entire city to life: production designer Graham Birt and set decorator Victor J. Zolfo, City of Ember.

For remaking a 70s-era kung fu fantasy flick: production designer Bill Brzek and set decorators Bin Lan and Yu Ci Wen, The Forbidden Kingdom.

For creating a world out of both our dreams and nightmares: production designer Stephen Scott and set decorators Elli Griff and Zsuzsa Mihalek, Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

For animating reality: production designer Owen Paterson and set decorator Peter Walpole, Speed Racer.

For building a world within a world within a world within a warehouse within our world: production designer Mark Friedberg and set decorator Lydia Marks, Synecdoche, New York.

God, this is really all I've ever wanted to do with my life. I know it's not apparent, but it's true. I fucking love art direction. Ahh.... The Hollmann Award goes to....

I want to accept on behalf of myself and Lydia. The set is the movie, for this movie. Unoike other movies, where the movies are the movie, and the set is a set, and sometimes costumes are wardrobes. But we actually created a character, I feel, and I am proud to have done so.

And we've done it! Eight-and-one-half! That's not just a wonderful Fellini film, it's also where we stand right now! We are just about halfway through with the ceremony. Not that I'm counting the hours, the minutes, the seconds. I swear I'm not. But if I was, I'd be so damn happy right now. Yay! I mean....if I thought that was a good thing. What do I know? I'm 87. I'm almost crazy. What do you think, Cate Blanchett?

I think this is unheard-of. I was nominated for Best Actress in 2006, the first year of the Hollmann Awards. Last year, I won best Supporting Actress. This year, I am, once again, nominated for Best Actress. Hopefully, one of my 2009 roles is supporting, otherwise I think I may not have a chance of getting in. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm going to tear that shit up, dog. And now, the nominees for Best Actor:

He's a conflicted hitman in a tourist trap: Colin Farrell, In Bruges.

He's a director struggling to express his fear of mortality: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Synecdoche, New York.

He's an openly gay man trying to change the world: Sean Penn, Milk.

He's a wrestler on the brink of self-destruction: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler.

He's a world-famous actor on the brink of destruction: Jean-Claude Van Damme, JCVD.

Two real people, three lost cases, four men with self-destructive tendencies, five nominees. And only one winner. That winner is...

I guess the rumors are true, after all. I'm back. I hope I don't fuck it up, but you know, who knows? I want to dedicate this to my late dog, Loki, the best friend a man could ever have. The one that never turned his back on me, even when he should've. I miss you, buddy. God bless.

Cicely Tyson here, an underappreciated actress who has received accolades from many people, plaudits from generations of audiences and critics, adulations from the majority, not just the minority. But I'm old, black, and a woman, so everyone seems to have forgotten about me. Except Walter Hollmann. He's a good man. Good enough to invite me here tonight to talk to you about a race car driver. His name is Speed. Speed Racer.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to fuck a Japanese man wearing only an oven mitt? Never mind who's wearing it or where, I just wonder. Here's Daniel Day-Lewis.

Very glad to be here again. I hope to return soon, with another movie I'm working on, but I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. As last year's winner for Best Actor, it is my responsibility to present the award for Best Supporting Actress. Three acting categories already out of the way, and we've got a long way to go until the last one. And then two more until the Big One. But here we are:

A career-best performance: Amy Adams, Doubt.

A twist on the fiery Latina: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

A box office clerk who is the muse he's been waiting for: Samantha Morton, Synecdoche, New York.

A perfect mother who doles out pancakes and wisdom: Susan Sarandon, Speed Racer.

A wealthy woman who learns to love and realize her dream: Tilda Swinton, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

A lot of redheads tonight, friends. And now, the winner. The lucky lady of the night is...

Mr. Hollman, I'll see you later tonight to thank you properly. Mr. Day-Lewis, I'll see you right now.

I'm sure she'll go home with him tonight. They all do. Except me. Well, not yet, anyway. I'm a patient woman. I can wait for him. Just not too long. Did I mention yet how I'm 87 years old? That's pretty damn old. I'd kill to be fifty again.... But that's enough. Let us welcome last year's winner for Best Original Screenplay, Brad Bird!

Ca-CAW! Ha, just kidding. Bird. Caw. Get it? Guys, I'm kidding. I'm funnier than that. You've seen all of my movies. I'm fucking hilarious. I'm working on a live-action ensemble flick next. Exciting, eh? But let's take a look at the nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay.

Jeffrey Archer, Saul Dibb and Anders Thomas Jensen, The Duchess. From the biography written by Amanda Foreman.

Justin Haythe, Revolutionary Road. From the novel written by Richard Yates.

Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon. From the play written by Peter Morgan.

Christopher Nolan and Jonathan Nolan, The Dark Knight. From comic book characters created by Bob Kane.

Eric Roth and Robin Swicord, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. From the novella written by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

And the winner is....

Sorry Robin couldn't be here today. But thanks for this, Hollmann. I will consider this absolution for the sin that was Forrest Gump. Mea culpa, and grazie.

Well, I gotta say, for an adapted screenplay, it certainly had a lot of original ideas! Oh, the hell wrote that crap? Honestly. I'll call you out on this. I'm Betty White, dammit, not Hilary Swank. I'm not willing to sell shit halfway. You got to give me something to work off of. Let's hope you can offer up something better to our next presenter, Charlize Theron.

I hope so, too, Betty. By the way, our next category is near and dear to your heart...or, should I say, your face? These artists can make me look pretty instead of beautiful, or Betty look okay instead Betty. What these particular craftsmen achieve, however, is mind-blowing. Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees for Best Makeup:

Changing races, cleanliness, and dreaminess: Rick Baker and Michael Burke, Tropic Thunder.

Aging with dignity, and sometimes indignity: Judy Chin and Jerry DeCarlo, Synecdoche, New York.

This isn't CGI, they're real monsters: Mike Elizaldi, Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

Whether making people old or into animals: Mark Garbarino, The Forbidden Kingdom.

One grows old, another young: Mark Jacyszyn, Harvey Lowry, Brian Sipe and Todd Tucker, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

I won an Oscar once, you know. Remember that? I certainly never forgot. Ever. And I hope the winner never forgets this moment, because it's heads and tails above anything I've experienced. So, here's to you:

I like to think this award is proof that monsters are awesome. And they teach so many lessons.

Well, darlings, I had to come! Bea and Betty were here, naturally I would be, too. The three of us love coming here together to present Best Picture nominees. I'm just so happy for Betty. I could just...scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! There. That's better. Better than a three-hour flick about impending death, in my opinion. But some people like this: Synecdoche, New York.

I don't want to take up too much time here. I mean, I love all my friends so far, but it would be bizarre if I didn't discuss my latest flick, The Proposal. And here to help is my co-star, Sandra Bullock.

Oh, Betty, how adorable. You're my co-star. And I'm not here to talk about The Proposal, in theaters this June, rated PG-13, co-starring Ryan Reynolds and Oscar-winning actress Mary Steenburgen. That'd be wrong. I want to talk about Cinematography. This is a position that composes all the shots of a film, dealing with lights and setups and lots of things. It's a miracle, what they go through. Hollmann decided that this year, these are the men that are worthy of mention:

Roger Deakins, Revolutionary Road

Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Wally Pfister, The Dark Knight

Harris Savides, Milk

Uli Simon, JCVD

And Hollmann has decided that the Cinematographer most worthy of the actual award is....

I am on set right now, but I am here via video feed. Thank you for this, and I hope it is a justice soon to be repeated at tomorrow's ceremony.

Crunch time, folks! One more Best Picture nominee to look at, four more categories to go through. I haven't been this excited since World War II. I was twenty. Think about that. I am so goddamn old, I'm lapping Methusaleh. It's such a relief to hear from some new blood, like Hollmann Award Winner Paul Thomas Anderson.

You're welcome. I assume Walter was going to thank me for showing up, since he snubbed my film for Picture and Director last year. I guess you can't help what you connect with, but we won Screenplay and Actor, and last I checked, that's almost the whole damn movie. It's fine, though. I'm here now, and I'll be back. You'll see. At least I have a trophy. Now, I won last year for Adapted Screenplay, but it's nice to remember my roots. And those roots are in this category, Best Original Screenplay. Your nominees:

Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Burn After Reading
Charlie Kaufman, Synecdoche, New York
Mike Leigh, Happy-Go-Lucky
Jenny Lumet, Rachel Getting Married
Andrew Stanton, WALL-E

And your winner:


Our next presenter is indeed a special one. Unrecognized by virtually every awards body last year, he managed to win Best Supporting Actor against that year's Oscar-winner, cinematic royalty, an impressive newcomer, and John Travolta in drag. Assist me in welcoming Mr. Bruce Effing Greenwood.

It always feels good to be here. I didn't do many movies this year, but 2009, you'll see me in Star Trek. Can I get a hallelujah? Amen. I hope this group of girls can be as impressive as I've been. Let's check out the nominees for Best Actress:

She's a dancer in love with Brad Pitt: Cate Blanchett, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

She's an addict returning home for her sister's wedding: Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married.

She's an optimist forever up against pessimists and realists: Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky.

She's a single mom doing what it takes to survive: Melissa Leo, Frozen River.

She's a governess spending twenty-four hours learning, loving, and living: Frances McDormand, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.

Quite a contest this year. The Hollmann Award goes to:

Say, if Amy's busy with DDL, does that mean Walter's free right now? In five, say? Hey, I have every reason to celebrate. I guess life can be happy-go-lucky after all. Tee-hee!

If I'm here, it can only mean one thing: we're down to the last hurdle. So far, all the other Best Picture nominees showed up on Hollmann's Top Ten of 2008. But this next nominee was screened after 2008, and Walter knew he couldn't deny it a place in his awards ceremony. Like Slumdog Millionaire, it is an underdog story. Unlike Slumdog, it is not an uplifting tale. The Wrestler:

Excuse me for a moment. I'm busy.

I feel proud of myself for making it this far. After winning the Hollmann for Best Cinematography last year, I was sure that would be it. But here I am, presenting the award for Best Director. Not a famous director. Not last year's winner. Not a great actor. Me, a cinematographer. Mr. Hollmann is certainly a great man who respects everyone in every walk of life. I am going to do my duty, for all the great and important behind-the-scenes crew members who don't get the credit they deserve. The nominees for Best Director are:

Darren Aronofsky, The Wrestler

Mabrouk el Mechri, JCVD

David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight

Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski, Speed Racer

And the Hollmann Award goes to....

I hate to be crass, but: WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER! Take that, motherfuckers! Whoo-ah!

Python Pete and I are going to have a good time tonight after the ceremony. But I see an old friend of mine is here. Ladies and gentlemen, the host of last year's Hollmann Awards, Academy Award Nominee Patricia Clarkson!

And I thought I had escaped. I guess you never escape the Hollmann Awards. Never. Betty's doing a great job, though, isn't she? Be that as it may, this is it. The big one. There's just this last award, and only one of these five can get it. The nominees for Best Picture are:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Cean Chaffin / Kathleen Kennedy / Frank Marshall

The Dark Knight
Christopher Nolan / Charles Roven / Emma Thomas

Speed Racer
Grant Hill / Joel Silver / Andy Wachowski / Lana Wachowski

Synecdoche, New York
Anthony Bregman / Spike Jonze / Charlie Kaufman / Sidney Kimmel

The Wrestler
Darren Aronofsky / Scott Franklin

The chips are down, folks. No turning back now. The Hollmann Award for Best Picture of 2008 is....

How proud I am to be accepting this award on behalf of all us involved with Synecdoche, New York. I am Dianne Wiest and I just want to say: YAY!!!!

From all of us here at the Hollmann Awards, we wish you all a good night. Have a safe drive!

[UPDATED: Producers nominated for Best Picture, as of 1/13/2017]