The Worst of 2009

Before I name my Top Ten, I want to get this out of the way. I love the cinema more than anything. This is something my family and friends have learned to put up with. Every so often, there's one or two or six movies that I can't help but shake my head at. I'm glad to say it was fairly difficult to compile this list. Indeed, some of these things I thought were OK at first, but the more I think about them, the more they irritate me.

Dishonorable mention goes to Julia, which is getting lauds from many of my fellow bloggers for Tilda Swinton's lead performance. Yeah, she's great, but I can't get past the unfocused, dull narrative. Maybe I just hate border thrillers: The Border, Babel, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, and now Julia, are all in my Cone of Ugh. That said, at least Julia tries and sometimes succeeds, whereas the rest of these...ho boy.

10. THE PROPOSAL

Every time I think about this movie, I have to talk myself into liking it. A good 75% of this movie isn't funny. The credits sequence feels like an accident. Malin Akerman, Mary Steenburgen and Craig T. Nelson don't have characters, just labels: Ex, Mom, Dad, done, we're good! Aaron Zigman should be banned from composing for five years as penance for the atrocious work here. And not only is it sexist...but it makes Betty White the worst part of a production! Unforgivable!

9. THE INFORMERS

I like Mel Raido and Amber Heard in this. Otherwise, a hilariously over-the-top movie directed by a man that can't tell the difference between satire and serious drama. No one is in the same movie. Surprisingly unsexy despite Amber Heard being naked for the majority of the film. "We're both sleeping with Simon" is gold, though, pure gold. It's like a bad 80s movie...so maybe it's actually a genius film that fooled me? Definitely good for a laugh, especially Winona Ryder.

8. FRIDAY THE 13TH

The ending makes no sense. At all. Logic is sacrificed for a GOTCHA ending and a setup for a sequel. It's no coincidence that the only people in the movie who never have sex, the only people seen smoking pot in every scene, the yuk-yuk comic relief...also happen to be the only minorities in the cast; add racism to the list of offenses. But it is so shockingly awful, it's genius. Yeah, I bought it to watch over and over again. I mean, come on: "You're tits are stupendous. So juicy. Perfect nipple placement." That's platinum, pure platinum.

7. AWAY WE GO

Smug. Moments of greatness are rendered obsolete by its mean streak. I didn't think Maggie Gyllenhaal's character was horrid; perhaps that's why they added some unnecessarily offensive lines, just in case I wasn't totally with the authors. Like The Proposal, it takes one of my favorite actresses, in this case Allison Janney, and manages to make her the most cringe-inducing aspect of the film. Sam Mendes needs to take a break, do some theatre, stop looking at the world with such a smirk.

6. BRUNO

Also smug. You can actually see Sacha Baron Cohen trying to come up with new ways to offend people each time he fails to irritate someone. You can't push people for a reaction then call them homophobic. It's like poking a tiger with a stick and being surprised when he bites. Schmuckery.

5. STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI

It's not even a Street Fighter movie. Terrible acting, non-existent sound design, and they actually miss their punches. By a foot. Badly written, poorly acted, and the director should be drawn and quartered. It's hilariously bad. It's impossibly bad.

4. X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

See, I always thought Wolverine was a mysterious bad-ass. Turns out, he's just a pussy with amnesia. Who drinks to remember. Shame on you, Hugh Jackman. Shame.

3. TERMINATOR: SALVATION

A lifeless action piece. It had potential, and perhaps in the hands of another director, it would have been great. Alas, we get too much Christian Bale, a result of the inability to say "no" to the most famous person in a room. And it left us wondering, "What about Sam Worthington?"

2. EVERYBODY'S FINE

A dark movie that tries to be light and schmaltzy. If ever there was a misreading of a screenplay, it was here...yet the director wrote it! De Niro sleepwalks, Beckinsale is boring. The dialogue is stilted. The "heartfelt" moments are laughable. I can only say "What the fuck" so many times in a two-hour period.

1. ADAM

But apparently, the number of times I can say "Fuck you" in that same amount of time is limitless. A cloying piece of cockamamie that does nothing but miss the mark. It's like a competition to see who can most insult my intelligence. Rose Byrne wins, but the person in charge of continuity comes in second. How do you call a character "Bethany" throughout an entire film, then call her "Elizabeth" at the end? Who...wha...what the fuck? Fuck you, Adam!

Happier things to come. Stay tuned.

Catch-Up: Part One

How long has it been since I actually reviewed something? It feels like forever. Less talky, more review-y:

ADAM

Oh, heavens. What to say about Adam, the tale of a young man with Asperger's who falls in love with his neighbor? Well, Hugh Dancy gives a pretty good performance in the title role, and Rose Byrne isn't terrible when she's acting without words. Amy Irving and Frankie Faison are pretty good. Overall, though, the movie is pretty awful. It doesn't want to be a rom-com with Asperger's as a device. Grand. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and surely there is nothing more agonizing this year than watching Adam.

Peter Gallagher's performance is a step above community theater. Adam is frequently lit like a serial killer stalking his prey, which is just unsettling. The songs are irritatingly on the nose, describing the action of the story in a clunky, literal way. How did they actually find songs to match exactly what everyone in the audience should be thinking and feeling? It's almost a coup! God, and some of the lines are horrendous. Just horrendous. "Loving, my precious girl, is what matters most." And holy crapping crap, they can't even get the lead female's name right. Gallagher calls her Bethany, loudly and clearly, in one scene; later, it is revealed her name is Elizabeth. WHICH IS IT, MOVIE? Writer-director Max Mayer has just joined The List -- the list of people to take by the shoulders and shake violently.


DISTRICT 9



Interesting, intelligent sci-fi centering around the attempted relocation of prawn-like extraterrestrials in South Africa and the effects thereof. I think it only takes place over the course of three days (I think), and the pacing on this thing is impeccable. Yes, it is edge of your seat excitement at its best. It's best to go into the film with as little knowledge as possible. Certainly, I went in almost blind and wound up falling for it. I just want to point out three things: (1) Sharlto Copley gives a fantastic performance, (2) the visual effects are outstanding, far more convincing than VFX on more expensive productions, and (3) director/co-writer Neill Blomkamp has proven himself a force to be reckoned with.


JULIA



An interesting piece starring Hollmann Award nominee Tilda Swinton (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button). She's an alcoholic who kidnaps a boy at the urging of his delusional mother. Julia hopes to benefit financially from this, but her lack of skills in this department, plus her need to drink, drink, drink, take the film down various roads that eventually lead to Mexico. Through it all, Swinton is sublime, with a perfect American accent, and an understanding of the ego and folly that is the drunk. It's a top-notch performance in a bizarre little film.

Some of the twists and turns of the screenplay seem to serve mainly as a way to keep the movie going for another ten or fifteen minutes, instead of progressing with a natural fluidity. I found myself questioning the why and the wherefore of many scenes, including the abrupt and ambiguous ending. Worth watching for Swinton (what isn't?), but an overall meh film.


JULIE & JULIA



Oh man, if only this was a follow-up to the above flick... By now you've read how kick-ass Meryl Streep's channeling of kitchen guru Julia Child is. You won't be reading otherwise here. She's funny and endearing, yet there is unexpected depth in her turn here. Yeah, it's La Streep, but last year was kind of a two-punch of insanity and scenery-chewing. Here, we get a real person -- though she does seem bored during the television segments. Julia was a heavy breather and took her time, but she also had an exhilarating joie de vivre that reached out to the viewers at home. It's the only misstep in a brilliant performance.

Ah, yes, but there is more to the film than La Streep. Amy Adams does a fine job as Julie Powell, a present-day blogger who cooks her way through Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. It's not an easy character, to be sure: while the real Powell is full of snark and bitchery, writer-director Nora Ephron tries to make her...you know...nice, but still with a cool edge to her. It doesn't completely gel. Chris Messina and Stanley Tucci play Julie & Julia's respective husbands, and are just great. Messina is shaping up to be one of the most reliable Everyman actors working, and Tucci...holy crap, Tucci. Tucci and Streep have a chemistry that practically demands remakes of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, The Thin Man, and (if this was twenty years ago) It Happened One Night. Now, these two gel, and their husband-and-wife routine is so natural, you'd think they were married off-screen. Jane Lynch, Joan Juliet Buck and Linda Emond also offer magnetic supporting roles as Julia's sister, teacher, and co-author.

The food is scrumptious to stare at, particularly the sole meuniere that opens the film. Costumes are beautiful, so that's always a treat. Alexandre Desplat's score is whimsical and delightfully simple, with the standard "Time After Time" (not Cyndi Lauper, alas) as a key theme used throughout. I guess the same can be said for the most of the film -- it's fun and sweet, but it's never TOO lit, TOO written, TOO art directed. Everything plays naturally and realistically, and coming from the director of Bewitched (the cinematic equivalent of water-boarding), it's a huge relief.


INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS



Suspenseful, funny, touching. Quentin Tarantino never ceases to surprise me. An ensemble flick centered around the theme of revenge and the effects of the Second World War, Tarantino offers neither blessing or damnation on the actions of the sadistic Basterds, a group of Americans hell-bent on revenge against the Nazis. It's interesting, since they do not distinguish between the officers who give out the orders and the grunts who merely fight a war for their country. I do not find this to be a negative, mind you. Rather, I see it as another layer to a surprisingly complex film. Everyone assumes they are the only ones capable of bringing order and balance to the world -- the Basterds through the systematic extermination of Nazis, Colonel Hans Landa (holy crap Christoph F'n Waltz) through the systematic extermination of "inferior" races, Jewish refugee Shoshana (Melanie Laurent) through a fortunate opportunity for revenge. A particular dinner scene underlines this intriguingly, with two opposing forces finding themselves dining with their prey. Incredible.

And it's all served up with Tarantino's usual talkiness, references to old films, and unrelenting violence. What, you thought you were going to be spared the horrors of a scalping? Fuhgeddaboutit. Mind, when one of my friends pointed out that a number of plot points and scenes were lifted almost verbatim from the Kill Bill films, I was a little disappointed, but Woody Allen's been ripping himself off for decades, and he's my favorite writer. I can forgive Tarantino, especially for the intriguing new interpretations he gives to some of these details. No, if we are to talk about a problem with his writing, it's the constant talking. I left for seven minutes (I was holding it for an hour and a half, for God's sake!) and missed nothing. Nothing. Three people were in a room, I left, I came back, they were still there. Hey, Sally Menke, you're the editor...EDIT.

Standouts in the cast include: Christoph Waltz as Col. Landa, aka The Jew Hunter; Melanie Laurent as Shoshana Dreyfuss; Diane Kruger as German actress/spy Bridget Von Hammersmark; Eli Roth as Sgt. Donny Donowitz, whose eyes tell it all; and Michael Fassbender as British spy Lt. Archie Hicox, who is very British.