Cher and Other Things

BURLESQUE
Burlesque is a movie you either get or you don't. I don't mean to imply that it's just over your head if you don't like it, rather that it's more in tune with what Maggie Smith says in The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie: For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like. Burlesque is the sort of thing I like: like Xanadu, it's a would-be disaster that instead succeeds because of its sincerity. Some may think it's silliness, especially if they only watch the first stiff and awkward fifteen minutes. Still, there's something downright magical about a movie that plays like a naughty Babes in Arms.

Christina Aguilera is a small-town girl hoping ot make it big in L.A. Cher is the owner of the Burlesque club that seems completely unfamiliar with burlesque, but which still attracts some customers. Unfortunately, the club is falling on hard times, and needs X, Y and Z or it will close! The solution: Let's put on a show! Well, I mean, a different kind of show. You know. A better one. So, we get terrific numbers from Xtina and Cher (of course!), including "You Haven't Heard the Last of Me", a moving ballad from Diane Warren. The two work fine together, by the way. Aguilera is a little wet behind the ears, but she's engaging enough. Cher is terrific; I love the awkward way she doles out wisdom, like Tess is afraid of sounding schmaltzy. Aw, and they have a makeup scene together that's touching and hilarious, because it's all mother-daughter and Xtina looks so touched when she sees her tarted-up face in the mirror. AWWW!

Better acting through chemistry

Meanwhile, Stanley Tucci walks away with the whole show. Seriously, every time I see him on screen I want him to do eight more movies with his scene partners: Meryl, Patty C, and now Cher. Does he have people Tucci up a script for him, or is the magic all him? God, he's funny. Cam Gigandet is a likable leading man, Dianna Agron has a short cameo, Kristen Bell is delightfully camp as the villainess, and Eric Dane didn't piss me off!

Actually, I have to give writer-director Steve Antin mad props for not condemning Eric Dane's character, by the way. He's a businessman who wants to buy the burlesque and make it a skyscraper, but he's not a villain. Rather, he just isn't right for our protagonists and, hey, that's okay. Those who felt that The Devil Wears Prada too easily condemned Miranda Priestly in favor of the free-loading boyfriend character can find relief in seeing a movie about art vs. capitalism that actually presents everyone has flawed but well-meaning people. Crazy!

Great songs, great dance numbers, AMAZING costumes. It's just a fun time. At the beginning of the year, this topped my Most Anticipated list. While I wouldn't call it my favorite of the year, it definitely did not disappoint (to quote a friend of mine, "stanley tucci + cher = fabulousness like the world has never known"). Besides, alongside Scott Pilgrim, it's by far the best soundtrack of the year.


HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART I

There's much to enjoy in the new Harry Potter film. It manages to comfortably transition between its comedic and dramatic scenes, something that could, at times, feel awkward and bizarre in previous installments. The score by Alexandre Desplat is predictably great, striking out on his own instead of rehashing old themes and styles. David Yates and cinematographer Eduardo Serra take a cinema verite approach to the majority of the film; instead of Harry Potter and his friends going on a long, dull camping trip in search of the means to destroy dark wizard Voldemort, Harry Potter and his friends are on a road trip with a late 60s/early 70s feel, with misty landscapes and hand-held work. The VFX team must be applauded, surely, for fitting their work within this more realistic setting seamlessly. Interestingly, is how real everything seemed when it was just Harry, Hermione and Ron in the tent, and how still-effective-but-nonetheless-consciously-FILM other scenes played (this is especially true of the Malfoy Manor finale, when the realism of the first two hours gives way to Helena Bonham-Carter's enjoyably unhinged Bellatrix Lestrange).


By far the greatest decision, though, is the promotion of Emma Watson's Hermione Granger from supporting role to co-lead. From her heartbreaking first scene to her climactic encounter with Bellatrix, Hermione is right with Harry in every sequence of the film. Even better, Watson meets the challenge, giving her best performance in the series. We've seen the smart Hermione; now Watson sells us on the friend, always supportive, sometimes lost. The play between her and Daniel Radcliffe in a dancing scene is especially touching. Hell, that whole scene  is masterful: no dialogue, no Desplat, just two friends comforting each other to the music of a radio. You get their whole relationship with that scene alone. Coupled with a Christmas scene set at a cemetery, Watson has never, to me, been more effective.


MEGAMIND

Surprisingly hilarious film about a supervillain who finally defeats his nemesis. There's some jaw-droppingly photo-real animation, Will Ferrell and Tina Fey are a stitch together, and it's got a fun score from Hans Zimmer and Lorne Balfe. Some things don't completely work, like the Music Career gag that was in all the TV spots. That's just...not funny. Also, why does every Dreamworks Animated film end with a dance party? This time it felt shoehorned in. I winced. The mediocre sticks out because for the majority of its 90 minutes, it's a fun and, more importantly, funny movie.

Trick, Or Girl Number Five

So I've not talked about The Other Guys yet, and there's a very good reason: I've only seen it once. Many films only have to be seen once for you to know all there is to know about it (The Kids Are All Right is one of the year's best, obv). Adam McKay's films never work like that. They're always better on repeat viewings, which is why two years later, I regret not making room in my supporting actor picks for Richard Jenkins in Step Brothers (aggh, but over whom?). Like, I remember finding the majority if it funny, though lacking in most of the insanity that sets the Ferrell-McKay films apart from the crowd -- there's, like, a plot this time! But who knows? Maybe a second viewing will make me adore Mark Wahlberg's performance instead of being mildly irritated with it. Maybe I'll find Michael Keaton even funnier than I already do. Maybe I can learn the lyrics to "Pimps Don't Cry".



One thing I can say for sure, and this is something that the Walter who just got out of Ghost Rider years ago would never believe: Eva Mendes is the best part. Absolutely steals the show. And this is after her solid work in The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call -- New Orleans. Has the world gone mad? Or did she Laura Linney me? That is, has she always been fantastic and I just now understand the way she operates? I don't know what it is, but I like it. And I like the movie, too. I think it's McKay's most accessible film to date, but I'm sure there'll be a lot of people who just can't get into it. That's fine, too.

You know what else I haven't talked about? Get Low, which I saw two weeks ago. I think it's because I don't know how to express my affection. It's a modest little film, with Robert Duvall as a hermit who wants to hold a funeral party for himself so he can hear the stories people tell about him. Bill Murray is the undertaker, in a quietly funny and subtly sad role that surprised me. Sissy Spacek is a gal Duvall's character used to know, and she's always great. Duvall, though, as the hermit with a secret, is just damn fine to watch. His expression barely changes, so one can easily accuse Duvall of just sleepwalking through the wall. But there's something else going on with his portrayal of Felix Busch, and when he gets his Big Scene near the end and we find out what that something else is, you're liable to feel a deep pang in your heart. It's a beautiful tale of redemption, and like Winter's Bone, one that'll probably haunt me for a while yet.

Casting Coup Tuesdays: Rock of Ages

I couldn't believe a show like Rock of Ages was being made. We'd gotten an ABBA musical, and Moulin Rouge! was made up of a number of popular songs...but a Broadway show celebrating hair metal? It was not to be believed. Yet there was Angela Lansbury at the Tonys with Twisted Sister, and this show actually looked kind of...awesome.

My girlfriend went to New York and saw the show on stage, and raved about it for -- well, she still is. But her enthusiasm led to my getting the soundtrack. I have to admit, it's a lot of fun. Unlike musicals like Mamma Mia!, the writers actually make the songs work for the story, not vice versa. And sure, this may mean a lot of dialogue to set up different verses of a song, but at least they're making a legitimate effort. And haven't we all dreamed up musical numbers for songs like "Don't Stop Believin'", "We Built This City" and "I Wanna Know What Love Is"? I know I have.

Rock of Ages is a show that completely depends on both the performances and the audience's affection for Bon Jovi, White Snake, Twisted Sister, etc. The sketchy plot revolves around small-town girl Sherrie arriving in L.A. to pursue Hollywood dreams. She winds up falling for busboy/wannabe rocker Drew, just as German city developers get the approval to uproot the awesomeness of the Sunset Strip and replace it with a cleaner alternative. Also, a popular rocker gets in the way of Sherrie and Drew's feelings for each other. This plot is stretched over two hours as the characters rock out to 80s songs. Also, there's Lonny, who is hilarious.

It's a charming show, and a film version was inevitable. Adam Shankman is working on his adaptation of it, though no cast has been announced. If I am to believe his Twitter, they haven't really begun that process. Anyway, while his choices for Hairspray showed that his instincts are top-notch, I can't help but offer some suggestions of my own:

FRANZ

Who is He: Hertz's son, he and his father are city developers. At first, Franz goes along with his father's plot to destroy the Sunset Strip and create a cleaner, conservativer city. That's complicated when he falls for city planner and anti-development protest organizer Regina.

Songs: We Built This City/Too Much Time on My Hands, Here I Go Again, The Final Countdown, Hit Me with Your Best Shot, Every Rose Has Its Thorn

My Choice:

David Kross (Adam & Eva, The Reader)
I have no idea whether or not he can sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. He's young and good-looking and German!

REGINA

Who is She: The mayor's city planner, she is appalled at Hertz's desire to rid the Sunset Strip of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. She knows they built this city on the latter. A woman of action, she leads the protests against Hertz...even as she begins to fall for his son.

Songs: We Built This City/Too Much Time on My Hands, We're Not Gonna Take It, Cum On Feel the Noize/We're Not Gonna Take It [Reprise], Here I Go Again, The Final Countdown, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice: SAG Award Nominee for Best Ensemble (Milk)

Alison Pill (Pieces of April, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World)
Anyone who's seen her in Milk or Scott Pilgrim knows what a fierce presence she is. Anyone who's seen her in Pieces of April or "The Book of Daniel" know she's a singer. Now, does she usually sing less rock and more...not rock? Sure, but remember: she is a member of Sex Bob-Omb.


JUSTICE
Who is She: The owner/operator of the Venus Club, where gentlemen go to be entertained by ladies. Stripper-ladies. When Sherrie is at her lowest, she goes to work for Justice, who becomes a Momma Bear to the small-town girl.

Songs: Harden My Heart/Shadows of the Night, Any Way You Want It/I Wanna Rock [Reprise], Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice:

Tina Turner (Tommy, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
We needed some sort of icon somewhere.  How can we make a tribute to the genre without The Queen of Rock 'n' Roll herself?


DENNIS
Who is He: The owner of the Bourbon Room, a bar on the Sunset Strip. Dennis has seen it all, so imagine his horror the Bourbon Room is marked for destruction by Hertz. With best friend Lonny, he gets rock band Arsenal to play one last show there...the same place where they made their debut years ago.

Songs: Just Like Paradise/Nothin' but a Good Time, We Built This City/Too Much Time on My Hands, Here I Go Again, The Final Countdown, I Can't Fight This Feeling, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice: Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy (Stranger Than Fiction) and Best Supporting Actor (The Producers), Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Actor (Stranger Than Fiction)

Will Ferrell (Superstar!, The Other Guys)


HERTZ
Who is He: German city developer bent on destroying the Sunset Strip's decadence in favor of a more squeaky-clean alternative. Father of Franz.

Songs: We Built This City/Too Much Time on My Hands, The Final Countdown, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Keep on Loving You, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice: Academy Award/BAFTA Award/Golden Globe/SAG Award Winner for Best Supporting Actor (Inglourious Basterds)

Christoph Waltz (Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express, the upcoming The Green Hornet)
A little obvious, but I'm not going to prevent a German who can sing from playing a German in a musical.


STACEE JAXX
Who is He: Lead singer of Arsenal, a rock band that's about to break up so he can start a solo career. Jaxx knows Dennis and Lonny from when Arsenal was unsigned and just starting out, so of course he repays a favor to his old friends -- after they blackmail him -- and Arsenal plays their last show at the Bourbon Room. It's the typical rock God character, egotistical and sexist. He dilly-dallies with Sherrie and proceeds to be a proper douchebag.

Songs: We Built This City/Too Much Time on My Hands, Wanted Dead or Alive, I Wanna Know What Love Is, I Hate Myself for Loving You/Heat of the Moment, Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Renegade

My Choice: Golden Globe Winner/Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Actor [in a Musical/Comedy] (In Bruges)

Colin Farrell (Pride and Glory, Crazy Heart)
Apparently tone-deaf, though his performance in Crazy Heart seems to contradict that. So I'm going with that. His own celebrity would lend credibility to Stacee's celebrity. And he's a sexy guy, right? Girls would fall for him.


LONNY
Who is He: The show's narrator, a man of great energy. Barfly and best friend of Dennis.

Songs: Just Like Paradise/Nothin' But a Good Time, Here I Go Again, The Final Countdown, Can't Fight This Feeling, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice: Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy (School of Rock)

Jack Black (Be Kind Rewind, Tropic Thunder)
He's already proven himself to be great screen partners with Ferrell. He has the right energy for the role, and -- hey oh! -- he can rock out with the best of them! Remember Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny? That movie rocked. He rocked.


SHERRIE
Who is She: A small-town girl who comes to L.A. to pursue her dream of becoming an actress. She starts out working at the Bourbon Room, falling for Drew until he gives the "friendship" speech. So she dilly-dallies with Stacee, who gets her fired, so she works at the Venus Club for Justice. Then all sorts of other things happen. And it's a musical, so (SPOILER ALERT!) True Love triumphs.

Songs: Sister Christian, I Wanna Rock, Heaven/More Than Words/To Be With You, Waiting for a Girl Like You, Wanted Dead or Alive, I Want to Know What Love Is, Harden My Heart/Shadows of the Night, Here I Go Again, Any Way You Want It/I Wanna Rock [Reprise], High Enough, I Hate Myself for Loving You/Heat of the Moment, Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Oh Sherrie, The Search is Over, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice:

Alyson Michalka (Bandslam, Easy A)
Not the most demanding of roles, but needs a capable actress who can play heightened while still allowing us to believe Sherrie. Aly was great on "Phil of the Future", she's a hot blonde, she can rock out, and she's a relatively fresh face.


DREW BOWIE
Who is He: He works at the Bourbon Room, but dreams of becoming a Rock Star. A nice guy, he falls for Sherrie, but plays the friendship card to calm her nerves, because he's so nice. Opening for Stacee Jaxx's final Arsenal concert helps to get him noticed by a Record Company Man, but the label he reps does not care for Drew's rock 'n' roll dreams. What's a guy to do?

Songs: Just Like Paradise/Nothin' Like a Good Time, Sister Christian, We Built This City/Too Much Time on My Hands, I Wanna Rock, Heaven/More Than Words/To Be With You, Waiting for a Girl Like You, I Wanna Know What Love Is, Cum On Feel the Noize/We're Not Gonna Take It [Reprise], Here I Go Again, Any Way You Want It/I Wanna Rock [Reprise], High Enough, I Hate Myself for Loving You/Heat of the Moment, Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Oh Sherrie, The Search is Over, Don't Stop Believin'

My Choice:

Constantine Maroulis
The show is so recent that it seems ludicrous to replace everyone in the cast. He's the star, he's the Tony nominee, he's the Idol, he's the one that my friend was obsessed with in high school. I have a rule that states every role shall be recast, but I'm always willing to make exceptions. And yeah, I probably should've chosen a Rock of Ages clip, but I can't resist the pull of Batman Forever.

Casting Coup: Clue

With the success of Transformers and the anticipation for G.I. Joe rising (...right?), Hasbro apparently thought, "Hey, if it works for toys, why not with board games???" To that end, Hasbro has partnered with a number of high-up film people to produce cinematic version of Monopoly, Candy Land (which I actually think sounds awesome), Ouija (...) and -- get this -- Clue.

"But wait!" you're probably saying (and even if you're not, I've already typed it out). "Wasn't Clue already a movie? A fantastically awesome movie starring Madeline Khan's sexy, sexy self as Mrs. White? Did I dream that?" And you would be right; Clue was a comedy in 1984 with all-star cast and three alternate endings. It is an awesome movie.

Here's where Hasbro got clever. Instead of giving us a remake of that movie, they want Gore Verbinski and the geniuses at Universal (yay!!!) to make an original dramatic murder-mystery with twists and turns and DRAMA. An interesting step to take, I think, as even the play-along video and book series took none of it seriously. As of now, it is still in the development stages, so I thought I would propose an approach that may seem complicated, but is actually quite...well, okay, it's complicated.

Over the years, a number of different Clues have surfaced. There's Original, Master Detective, Clue FX, Clue Mysteries, and variations on these. All these different versions mean that several characters, not just the six we all know and love, have been added to Clue Canon. Alongside these new characters are new storylines, new motives, and a new corpse. Pretty cool, eh?

That's not all. If we include dead bodies and a butler character that narrates Clue FX, we have thirteen characters in all. Three of these characters have been used as "non-suspects"; that is, they are playable characters who are not considered to be among those who might have done it. Two separate plotlines include the murders of both Mr. Boddy and his lawyer, Mr. Meadow-Brook. Two characters at separate times have had the surname of Grey, and I use both -- quite cleverly, if I say so myself. And, to top it all off, I've added a character of my own creation, one who premiered when I wrote stage adaptation of Clue back in middle school.

Most of the character info is, indeed, canon.

THE VICTIMS

DR. DAVID BLACK/MR. JOHN BODDY
Who is He: A retired general practicioner, Dr. Black is known and reviled by many. Owner of Tudor Mansion. He holds a masked ball for his birthday, attended by a number of guests. It is here that he happens to mention a possible changing of his will. At first nicknamed "Mr. Boddy" when his headless corpse is found on the front lawn, he is later identified by a mole on his wrist. The head is never found, and it apparent that he was not killed on his lawn, leaving it up to the police to discover who killed him, where, and with what.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor (Lawrence of Arabia, The Lion in Winter, Becket, Goodbye, Mr. Chips, The Ruling Class, The Stunt Man, My Favorite Year, Venus), BAFTA Award Winner for Best British Actor (Lawrence of Arabia), Golden Globe Winner for Best Actor in a Drama (The Lion in Winter, Becket), Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy (Goodbye, Mr. Chips) and Most Promising Newcomer – Male, SAG Award Nominee for Best Actor (Venus), Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Ratatouille)

Peter O'Toole (Man of La Mancha, Stardust)
I like the idea of Black/Boddy as an elderly man, as it enables all sorts of interesting subplots involving heirs, spouses, and relations. And I love Peter O'Toole, so I would leap at the chance of working with him.


MILES MEADOW-BROOK
Who is He: Dr. Black's lawyer. It is he who holds the secret of how Dr. Black left his fortune. Chartreuse and Gray are on their way to question him when he, too, is found dead in his office. Are the murders connected?

My Choice: Academy Award Winner for Best Supporting Actor (Million Dollar Baby), Golden Globe Winner for Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy (Driving Miss Daisy), SAG Award Winner for Best Supporting Actor (Million Dollar Baby)

Morgan Freeman (Bruce Almighty, Glory)
Um, again, this is partly for the sake of having a Big Star play a corpse. It's fun, believe me. Freeman also has the sort of breeding that I would associate with a lawyer catering to the hoity-toity. I mean, he sounds like it, at least.

THE POLICE

INSPECTOR WILLIAM HENRY YORICK CHARTREUSE
Who is He: An original creation of mine, first created for my unproduced stage adaptation of Clue before resurfacing on the middle school morning announcements in his own mystery program. Chartreuse possesses a deadpan sense of humor. A sucker for a pretty face, Chartreuse finds himself falling for Mrs. Henrietta Peacock.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Fargo), Golden Globe Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Seabiscuit), SAG Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Fargo) and Best Ensemble (Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Seabiscuit, Bobby)

William H. Macy (The Deal, Inland Empire)
Macy is more or less who I had always written the part of Chartreuse for. I just didn't know it at the time. Macy would have the opportunity to play the leading man this time around, not only solving the mystery, but romancing a lady as well! Since he's one of my favorite actors ever, I'd say he deserves it.


SERGEANT EARL GRAY
Who is He: Chartreuse's partner int he investigation. Unbeknownst to Chartreuse, Gray actually dropped in on the Masquerade the night of the murder. Unbeknownst to Gray, he is actually the illegitimate son of Mrs. White and Dr. Black, and was then adopted by Black's old friend, Lord Gray.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Places in the Heart, In the Line of Fire), BAFTA Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (In the Line of Fire), Golden Globe Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (In the Line of Fire), SAG Award Nominee for Best Ensemble (Being John Malkovich), Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Burn After Reading)

John Malkovich (Colour Me Kubrick, Dangerous Liaisons)
There is a creepiness to Malkovich that all who look upon him immediately recognize. It is this creepiness that would benefit the character of Sgt. Gray, as it enables him to be a more believable suspect. Also, I first thought of him for Dr. Black before I went with these plot threads and chose O'Toole, so having him play Black's son was the next logical step.

INTERESTED PARTIES

ASHE
Who is He: The butler of Tudor Manor, he happened to have the evening off the night of the murder. He fills Chartreuse in on much of the family gossip.

My Choice: SAG Award Nominee for Best Ensemble (Nixon)

David Hyde Pierce (Down with Love, TV's Frasier)
It was between Pierce and Daniel Davis (TV's The Nanny), and while I've seen Davis as the butler, I've yet to see Pierce in that role. He has the voice for it though, and he could do the mannerisms. Maybe give him some spectacles, eh? That'd look neat.


PRINCE PHILIPPE AZURE
Who is He: Despite the title, there is little evidence to support his claim to royal lineage. However, it does get him in good with the right crowd. Azure is an art dealer who is not an altogether scrupulous businessman. Having been out of town on business on the night of the murder, he is not a suspect -- but he is connected to a number of them, including business partner Brunette and old rival Mustard.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (In America, Blood Diamond), Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actor in a Drama (Amistad), SAG Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Blood Diamond) and Best Ensemble (Gladiator, In America)

Djimon Hounsou (The Island, Eragon)
Azure is, most famously, the first black character in Clue canon. And so, the job is to get an actor who is both black, regal enough to pull off the prince thing, suave enough to be an art dealer, handsome enough to rival Mustard. Hounsou has perfect bone structure, and he's a marvelous actor to boot, which is probably important when casting these things.


LORD ALFRED GRAY
Who is He: A retired cartographer, Lord Gray now designs water gardens for the rich. A close friend of Dr. Black's, he adopted the illegitimate offspring of the doctor and Mrs. White. Lord Gray alone knows of the history of mental instability in the Black family, making him eager to cover up any connection between his son and the victim, fearing that it was Earl who bumped Black off. He was with Chartreuse on the night of the murder.

My Choice: SAG Award Nominee for Best Ensemble (Gosford Park)

Michael Gambon (The Omen, The Good Shepherd)
Gambon is the very picture of British sophistication to me -- Gosford Park, The Good Shepherd, Sleepy Hollow. The part of Lord Gray would have great pathos involved. Imagine being a parent, thinking your offspring may be an unhinged killer. He'd be quite fantastic in the role, I think.


LADY SU SIAN LAVENDER
Who is She: An herbalist who is a key member of the grapevine. Lady Lavender treats many, including Dr. Black, Mrs. Meadow-Brook, Miss Scarlet, and Mrs. Peacock. It is rumored that she may have murdered her husband, but in this case, she is completely innocent, having given a lecture at the university. She and Professor Plum are professional colleagues.

My Choice: BAFTA Award Nominee for Best Actress (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

Michelle Yeoh (Tomorrow Never Dies, Memoirs of a Geisha)
Yeoh is a marvelous actress. She can bring a bit of the sexy, but more so, she has the sophistication of wealth that Lady Lavender would possess.

THE SUSPECTS

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE BRUNETTE
Who is He: An art dealer in league with Prince Azure. Brunette is under investigation after Dr. Black blows the whistle on a number of frauds and forgeries Brunette had been dealing. Incredibly, Black still invites Brunette to his Masquerade, giving Brunette the opportunity to silence the whistle-blower once and for all.

My Choice: Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Actor (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly)

Mathieu Amalric (A Christmas Tale, Quantum of Solace)
Marvelous French actor playing a French fraud. And he looks good in brown. His Dominic Greene was the perfect model for this character. I fancy he'd use a blunt instrument.


REVEREND THALLO GREEN
Who is He: Rev. Green does not run the local church; rather, he is a traveling evangelist who holds revival meetings on Dr. Black's lawn. When Black catches him stealing from the church funds, his reputation is at risk. Fortunately, there is the Masquerade to attend.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor (The Visitor), SAG Award Nominee for Best Actor (The Visitor)

Richard Jenkins (Intolerable Cruelty, I Heart Huckabees)
Jenkins is the priestly type, the kind whose face you'd trust. Rev. Green must appear trustworthy in order to fleece the flock. Jenkins can also play madcap and cornered, something Rev. Green must feel if he is to have a motive.


JANE MEADOW-BROOK
Who is She: The widow of Miles Meadow-Brook, and the chief gossip of the village. She and Miles were not known for their harmonious marital bliss -- quite the opposite! Mrs. Meadow-Brook is lovely, of course, and this is something that did not go unnoticed by Dr. Black. Could Miles have killed Dr. Black out of jealousy, only to be murdered by his unhappy wife?

My Choice: Academy Award Winner for Best Actress (Blue Sky) and Best Supporting Actress (Tootsie), BAFTA Award Nominee for Best Actress (Tootsie), Golden Globe Winner for Best Actress in a Drama (Blue Sky), Best Supporting Actress (Tootsie) and Best Female Acting Debut (King Kong), SAG Award Nominee for Best Actress (Blue Sky)

Jessica Lange (Grey Gardens, Big Fish)
Still beautiful at the age of sixty, I can still see her playing the vamp. And she's old enough to be the biddy, as Mrs. Meadow-Brook is wont to be. And she looks good in blue and shades thereof, which Mrs. Meadow-Brook is traditionally adorned in.


COLONEL ALGERNON MUSTARD
Who is He: A military man, intensely masculine and hot-tempered. Colonel Mustard is an accomplished author, and has been working on one covering his exploits until his publisher, Dr. Black, pulls out at the last minute. Mustard is an expert shot and carries a torch for Miss Scarlet, though Miss Peach also offers him her attentions.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actor (The English Patient) and Best Supporting Actor (Schindler’s List), BAFTA Award Winner for Best Supporting Actor (Schindler’s List), Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actor (The English Patient) and Best Supporting Actor (Schindler’s List, The Duchess), SAG Award Nominee for Best Actor (The English Patient) and Best Ensemble (The English Patient), Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (The Duchess)

Ralph Fiennes (In Bruges, The Reader)
Dashing, masculine, British, and can do an American accent if need be. A romance between him and either Scarlet or Peach would be welcome. He has been doing stick-in-the-mud types lately (In Bruges excepted), so a colonel would be no problem, I imagine.


RUSTY NAYLOR
Who is He: An old, bitter gardener, Rusty is preparing for retirement. Rumor has it, however, that Black has changed his will, and the ancient Rusty cannot bear the idea of being broke at his advanced age. His landscaping tends not to agree with the designs of Lord Gray, and so the two have a bit of a rivalry.

My Choice: Academy Award Winner for Best Actor (Tender Mercies), BAFTA Award Winner for Best Supporting Actor (Apocalypse Now), Golden Globe Winner for Best Actor (Tender Mercies) and Best Supporting Actor (Apocalypse Now), SAG Award Winner for Best Supporting Actor (A Civil Action)

Robert Duvall (Thank You for Smoking, Network)
Lookit those hands. Those hands are rough, a gardener's hands. He's also old as hell (and heaven!), so the bitterness of Rusty would come through. Plus, how much would you love to see Robert Duvall in something like this?


MISS GEORGIA PEACH
Who is She: Your typical Southern Belle, this schoolteacher is sweet as molasses and as beautiful as a magnolia blossom. As Dr. Black's niece, she's more than set up for life when he dies -- unless he's changed his will. Miss Peach is an eligible bachelorette with designs on Colonel Mustard, though Professor Plum seems to be the only one who appreciates her company.

My Choice:

Kristin Chenoweth (Bewitched, RV)
She has a Southern accent and...well, come on, do I really need to elucidate matters for ya? She's Kristin Freeking Chenoweth.


MRS. HENRIETTA PEACOCK
Who is She: Mrs. Peacock is the grande dame of Clue, a well-mannered lady of great wealth. That wealth, by the way, comes from four husbands, all of whom died mysteriously. Could Dr. Black have something concrete on the local dowager? Even he did, Chartreuse may not be looking hard enough, and Mrs. Peacock does seem to be gearing up for husband Number Five...

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actress (Pieces of April), Golden Globe Nominee for Bets Supporting Actress (Pieces of April), SAG Award Nominee for Best Actress (The Station Agent), Best Supporting Actress (Pieces of April) and Best Ensemble (The Green Mile, The Station Agent, Good Night, and Good Luck.)

Patricia Clarkson (Miracle, the upcoming Whatever Works)
No surprise here, I'm sure. Patricia Clarkson, as you should know, is one of those actresses I can't get enough of. A beautiful older woman who has played the priss before, I feel as though Patty C is the only one who could pull off Mrs. Peacock admirably. And she is adorable in blue. She should wear that.


PROFESSOR EDGAR PLUM
Who is He: The smartest guy in the room, Prof. Plum's intelligence is masked by his social awkwardness. An expert on poisons and herbs, Plum teaches at the nearby University and frequently discusses herbology with Lady Lavender. Much of Plum's past is unclear, though it seems as though Dr. Black knew a thing or two. Plum pines for Miss Peach, but she seems not to notice him.

My Choice: Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy (Stranger Than Fiction) and Best Supporting Actor (The Producers), Hollmann Award Nominee for Best Actor (Stranger Than Fiction)

Will Ferrell (Step Brothers, Night at the Roxbury)
He can do serious. I know Stranger Than Fiction was rather light, but it was unusual for Ferrell to play a role that subdued, and he nailed it. I imagine him with a mustache and glasses would be awesome. Because it would be. He could be the comic relief, and seeing him awkwardly flirt with Miss Peach would be AWWWWW.


MADAME RHODA ROSE
Who is She: Dr. Black's former secretary, this Eastern European mystic crashes the Masquerade with the revelation of a vision -- Dr. Black, DEAD! The guests laugh it off, but Madame Rose is soon proved right, though Chartreuse suspects that she may have had a hand in his demise. His suspicions become stronger when it is revealed that Rose and Black shared a father...

My Choice: BAFTA Award Winner for Most Promising Newcomer (The Lacemaker)

Isabelle Huppert (8 Women, I Heart Huckabees)
Beautiful. Mysterious. French. Huppert's otherworldliness lends credence to the mystic's mystique. She always delivers, too, no matter what the genre.


MISS VIVIENNE SCARLET
Who is She: A starlet on the rise, Miss Scarlet arrives in town under mysterious cirucmstances. Though forty years his junior, she seems to be intimately acquainted with Dr. Black. She appears to have designs on all the men in town, leaving Miss Peach bitter. She may be French, but her father married an American widow before his death, making her stepmother none other than Mrs. Peacock. This means Chartreuse must tread lightly with her, even as she constantly lies and covers up her past.

My Choice: Academy Award Winner for Best Actress (La Vie en Rose), BAFTA Award Winner for Best Actress (La Vie en Rose), Golden Globe Winner for Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy (La Vie en Rose), SAG Award Nominee for Best Actress (La Vie en Rose), Hollmann Award Winner for Best Actress (La Vie en Rose)

Marion Cotillard (A Very Long Engagement, the upcoming Public Enemies)
Oh holy crap she is so beautiful.


MRS. BLANCHE WHITE
Who is She: Dr. Black's faithful housekeeper. Having attended to his needs for fifty years, Mrs. White also happens to be the mother of Dr. Black's only son, the one adopted by Lord Gray. Mrs. White has grown tired of her job, and begins to realize that she will only be free when Dr. Black dies. When it is hinted that he is drawing up a new will in which she will not benefit, Mrs. White appears to panic. Luckily, she is the only servant at Tudor Manor when the Masquerade is held.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actress (Enchanted April), BAFTA Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actress (Equus) and Most Promising Newcomer (The Entertainer), Golden Globe Winner for Best Supporting Actress (Enchanted April)

Joan Plowright (Last Action Hero, Curious George)
Plowright has such sad eyes, I think, and Mrs. White is a tired, sad woman. She could bring class to any role, and I don't think I've seen her in a challenging mainstream role in ages. It's time.