A Lady's Bullet Never Misses

After I hated the first draft and the computer froze during the second draft, I feel like I should give up on my grand Femme Fatale Review, a look at the films Sucker Punch, Cat Run and Hanna. I always hope that I'm going to finally write a review that's a little more critical, a wee meaningful, with insight into social implications and reflections on the world at large. Alas, the Fates conspire against me, and only want me to express feelings on a Cold Stone Creamery level.

There is no "hate it" option because that's silly

Admittedly, this is probably for the best, since I really have no idea what to say about these films that goes beyond gut reactions. I know that Sucker Punch's strength lies in its overcoming the exploitation of its protagonists by allowing them to take control using the very shackles (or fetish wear) that bind them. I know that Cat Run's weakness lies in a heroine that does nothing but run around in a form-fitting outfit, a hero that's a pretentious douchebag, and a black sidekick so painfully stereotypical he makes JJ Walker look like Huey Newton. I also know that Hanna is just fucking cool, with a neat fairy tale mystique complementing an arty late 60s/early 70s-esque aesthetic. But that's all the meaningful thought I've managed to muster for the films, which is a shame; these films have more going on, it seems to me, than I give justice to.

Ok, maybe not Cat Run. That movie has very little to offer besides Janet McTeer as a prim and proper English assassin. The rest of the film is a chore to sit through. My chief complaint: what a misleading poster, a silhouetted woman (Paz Vega's titular heroine) running with a gun. I don't remember Cat ever doing anything with a gun. I think she tries to threaten Janet McTeer with one at some point, but McTeer ain't playing that game. No, Cat stays true to the title, never doing anything except running, looking shocked, and falling in ridiculous love with Scott Mechlowicz's douchebag hero. I am wary of any "hero" having a high I.Q., culinary skills, a humble nature, a desire to live in Eastern Europe, and the observational skills to say things like, "She has a bruise on her thumb, the same my sister had when she would let her baby teethe on her thumb, so this woman has an infant that's not with her." Yeah, way to notice a detail like that on a woman dashing through your restaurant.

No.

Good thing they managed to balance it out by having a sidekick who just wants to get laid and make HILARIOUS references to pop/dance/rap songs -- at one point, while observing an ejaculatory stain (yes), he says, "To the window, to the wall." THANK YOU BLACK MAN CONTINUE TO BE WACKY WHILE THE WHITE PEOPLE HANDLE EVERYTHING. I guess the filmmaker thought the presence of D.L. Hughley as an independent war veteran missing both legs and an arm was progressive enough? God. This movie.

Do it, Janet. For the good of mankind.

Now, if you want a great on-the-run movie featuring a real femme fatale, look no further than Hanna. Saoirse Ronan rightfully described her performance as "feral", but there's also an innocence and naivete in the role. Really, I went into the film knowing very little about it -- I knew that her father trained her to be an assassin, and Cate Blanchett has a Southern accent and red hair. Oh, heavens, that's all surface level, and part of that is inaccurate anyway. Hanna's venturing out into the "real world" after years of isolation present her with more complications than CIA-paid assassins and Blanchett's weirdly sexy performance. This girl has never experienced electricity, music, the hustle and bustle of the city. No wonder the sound design is so precise!

This is how we doooo iiiiit....

I sometimes feel that a young actress's first Oscar nomination, more often than not, is as far as she will go; with Ronan, I trust that I am very, very wrong. That girl commands every moment she appears on screen, expertly balancing the little girl growing up with the deadly killer. The movie is book-ended by the same line of dialogue in different circumstances, and Ronan left me breathless both times. Her performance overwhelms as much as the Chemical Brothers' score, one that is set to repeat on my iTunes, one that I catch myself constantly humming. And the costumes and the production design, and Blanchett and Bana and Tom Hollander as a jumpsuit-wearing, peroxide-blond assassin....oh, Hanna, you kill me.

Er...poor choice of words?

To a lesser degree am I slain by Sucker Punch, but I cop to loving that film as well. I like the play between the female ensemble -- jaded Sweet Pea (Hollmann Award Nominee Abbie Cornish), still dreamy Rocket (Jena Malone), weak Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens, proving herself with each new film to be growing as a performer), stubborn and desperate Baby Doll (Emily Browning), and Amber (Jamie Chung). Amber's kind of...just there. I like the conceit of a girl locked up in an asylum by an evil stepfather fantasizing that she's an orphan sold to a brothel by an evil priest who fantasizes that she is a member of an all-girl team of warriors battling dragons, orcs and steampunk zombies (I swear to God, the next person who calls them steampunk Nazis gets a knock from me -- they reference the Kaiser, there are WWI trenches, uniforms...German =/= Nazi).

Life is hard sometimes.

I'm down with making your own reality, self-sacrifice, sisterhood, and gunning down samurai rock monsters. I love the use of music throughout, with Baby Doll singing off-screen and new versions of songs like "White Rabbit" underscoring her fantasies. Besides, the fantasies are supposed to be taking place while she dances, so it's only right to have the music take over -- the greatest use of this is in the "Tomorrow Never Knows"/Kitchen Knife segment, featuring an old-timey radio and robots. It excited me, moved me almost to tears. I don't know how well the film will play on the small-screen, but when I sat in that theater, I was impressed.

By the acting, clearly.

So there you have it, late as can be, but here, here, here! Have y'all gotten a chance to see any of these yet? Tell me I have some fellow Sucker Punch fans out there.

Casting Coup Month: The Ten Commandments

NOMINATIONS

Best Picture

Best Cinematography, Color - Loyal Griggs

Best Editing - Anne Bauchens

Best Costume Design, Color - Edith Head/Ralph Jester/John Jensen/Dorothy Jeakins/Arnold Friberg

Best Art Direction-Set Decoration, Color - Hal Pereira/Walter H. Tyler/Albert Nozaki/Sam Comer/Ray Moyer

Best Sound, Recording - Loren L. Ryder

Best Effects, Special Effects - John P. Fulton (WON)

I imagine I had more patience when I was a child. I've been putting off seeing Ben-Hur because I have no idea when I'll have four hours to kill. When I was a wee one, though, not only did I make time every Passover to watch The Ten Commandments, I would rent it to watch on my own time. I would spend 10 hours* of my year between the ages of five and nine watching Charlton Heston set his people the hell free. Now? I only have patience for the two-hour "Making Of" documentary on Disc Two of the 2004 DVD release.

Now that I think about it, that might not be so bad. As a recent graduate of the film school (toot. toot.), I am equally interested in both the film itself and the behind-the-scenes fun! And truly, is there anything more beautiful than the inspiring dedication and zeal of producer/director Cecil B. DeMille? When I saw Sunset Boulevard, I knew why Norma Desmond would want to work with the master. DeMille may have taken some creative liberties with chronologies, and some critics may claim that his work is bloated and sappy, somewhat cheesy. But can you doubt his sincerity? Can you doubt his dedication? Can you doubt his ability to actually get a large cast and crew and finances together to make his enormous vision come to be? I'm pretty sure you can't.

It was only a matter of time before this movie showed up here. Its significance in my life combined with my dream of making Biblical epics made its presence an inevitability. It's been some time since I've seen it, but I did take an Old Testament course last semester that made me reread the story of Moses in its entirety (that's a high five moment). Let's take a journey on the Casting Coup Couch, shall we?:

Casting Coup: Wuthering Heights

*An oldie from the Livejournal days. This one goes back to the week before I started this blog. The news is already outdated after only a year, with Portman out, Gemma Arterton and Ed Westwick in. Many of the pictures are new, since I used to exclusively use hot-linking in the ol' LJ days.*

I'l go back to black next week, but recent developments have made today's Casting Coup necessary.

A recent announcement claims not only a new production of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights is in the works, but Academy Award Nominee Natalie Portman (Closer) will be playing the role of Catherine Earnshaw.

I'm a fan of Natalie. I like her in a number of flicks. She's one of the few good things about the first two Star Wars prequels. In Leon, she's haunting. In Everyone Says I Love You, she's surprisingly realistic in a screwball musical-comedy. In Garden State, she's the wonderful embodiment of every high school guy's fantasies. She's just a brilliant actress.

And yet... I'm sorry, Catherine?! She's sickly and what not, but she's not exactly a pixie. Something about Natalie Portman has just never struck me as English. French, maybe, but English? I just can't see it. Catherine should be more intense, more strikingly beautiful. And let's be honest, Natalie looks perpetually 16.

Obviously, I'm going to give her a shot, try to keep an open mind. But meanwhile, I can't help but think of who else would be swell. Who would I choose?

LOCKWOOD
Who is He: The narrator representing us, the readers, he arrives at Wuthering Heights and gets to learn the whole history of everything. Hooray! Occasionally misunderstands things, due to his inability to really understand anything past his own privileged world.

Previously played by: Miles Mander (1939) and Paul Geoffrey (1992)


My Choice: Up-and-comer who insists on playing leading male roles billed as supporting in fictional dramatizations of real-life political events.

Michael Sheen (The Queen, the upcoming Frost/Nixon)


MRS. LINTON
Who is She: Privileged matriarch of the hoity-toity, conservative, probably in-bred Linton family. Not cool with Heathcliff.

Previously played by: Pamela Brown (1970) and Jennifer Daniel (1992)

My Choice: Funnily enough, she appeared in the 1992 version of the film, but in a different role.

Academy Award Nominee Janet McTeer (Tumbleweeds, Marple: The Murder at the Vicarage)


MR. LINTON
Who is He: He, too, has a stick up his bum. Proprietor of Thrushcross Grange.

Previously played by: Cecil Humphreys (1939), James Cossins (1970) and Simon Ward (1992)

My Choice: Not actually British, but according to native Brits, he does the accent better than some Englishmen.

Daniel Davis (The Nanny, The Prestige)


MRS. EARNSHAW
Who is She: Matriarch of the Earnshaw household, she does not care for Heathcliff. Like, say, she hates him. But it's okay, because she dies first.

Previously played by: Rosalie Crutchley (1970)

My Choice: She only does a few things a year, but Lordy, she's awesome. And she's dating Saffron Burrows, so she has great taste.

Fiona Shaw (My Left Foot, the Harry Potter films)


MR. EARNSHAW
Who is He: Head of the Earnshaw clan at Wuthering Heights. Adopts Heathcliff, preferring him to his own son, Hindley. This creates a problem, naturally.

Previously played by: Cecil Kellaway (1939), Harry Andrews (1970) and John Woodvine (1992)

My Choice: Too old? Maybe, but I miss this guy, and he certainly has a kinder face than those other guys.

Timothy West (Ever After, Agatha)


JOSEPH
Who is He: Religious, elderly, fanatically, stubborn, unkind--a pain in the ass, but he remains a servant at Wuthering Heights throughout the novel. Which is weird, considering that he's pushing seventy at the beginning of the novel, so he's about 120 by the end.

Previously played by: Leo G. Carroll (1939), Aubrey Woods (1970) and Robert Demeger (1992)


My Choice: A bit more upper-class than the character, but he's an actor, so he can do it.

Hollmann Award Nominee Leslie Phillips (Venus, Millions)


FRANCES EARNSHAW
Who is She: Wife to Hindley. She, too, does not care for Heathcliff, and to call her a whiny bitch would be generous. Methinks.

Previously played by: Morag Hood (1970) and Janine Wood (1992)


My Choice: The original choice for Bellatrix Lestrange, actually, though now she's got another role in the Harry Potter series.

Helen McCrory (The Queen, Becoming Jane)


HINDLEY EARNSHAW
Who is He: Earnshaw's son and heir. After his father's death, he forces Heathcliff into servitude, before becoming a depressed alcoholic. Abusive and resentful.

Previously played by: Hugh Williams (1939), Julian Glover (1970) and Jeremy Northam (1992)


My Choice: Funnily enough, he's played Timothy West's son before.

Dougray Scott (Dark Water, Ever After)


LINTON HEATHCLIFF
Who is He: The weak, mopey son of Heathcliff and Isabella. Isabella takes care of him until she dies (everyone does in the novel, don't worry about spoilers), then he's sent off to the abusive Heathcliff and forced to marry Young Catherine.

Previously played by: Jonathan Firth (1992)


My Choice: Another Ever After alum. I guess I really miss that movie.

Lee Ingleby (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Marple: Nemesis)


HARETON EARNSHAW
Who is He: The son of Hindley and Frances, Heathcliff takes charge of him when Hindley is too drunk to do otherwise. Hareton becomes an ignorant, angry field worker. He's tender-hearted, though, and falls for Young Catherine.

Previously played by: Jason Riddington (1992)


My Choice: A little scrawny now, but I'm sure with some field work, he could buff up. And he's good-looking, and can play angry and belligerent. I'd believe it. Just add some facial hair, and he's good. Just watch his bare-knuckle boxing in Becoming Jane.

James McAvoy (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Atonement)


YOUNG CATHERINE LINTON
Who is She: The daughter of Edgar and Catherine, she's a lot like her mother, but also a little like her father. She's headstrong and stubborn, but she's also forgiving and tender-hearted. Looks a great deal like her mother, though, and at times, they are played by the same actress.

Previously played by: Academy Award Winner Juliette Binoche (1992)


My Choice: Uh, fuck that two different actresses crap. I'm getting girls about the same age, but who can play mother and daughter with the right make-up. And they resemble each other. And Young Catherine would be blonde, anyway.

Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada, Poirot: Death on the Nile)


ISABELLA LINTON
Who is She: Daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Linton, Isabella is meek and silly, falling for Heathcliff despite his obvious hatred for her family. She runs off to London with their son in the middle of the night, but dies anyway.

Previously played by: Academy Award Nominee Geraldine Fitzgerald (1939), Hilary Dwyer (1970) and Sophie Ward (1992)


My Choice: Oh, sure, red-head instead of blonde, but (1) they do it better, and (2) I would kill to see her in this part.

Isla Fisher (The Lookout, I Heart Huckabees)


EDGAR LINTON
Who is He: The son of the Lintons, he's kind of weak. Like, a spoiled brat who becomes a cowardly man. Marries Catherine, thus leading Heathcliff to hate and vow revenge upon him. Handsome and pleasant company, though.

Previously played by: Academy Award Winner David Niven (1939), Ian Ogilvy (1970) and Simon Shepherd (1992)


My Choice: Looks like Isla's brother. He's a handsome, pleasant enough fellow, but he's also skinny enough to play cowardly and pampered.

Cillian Murphy (Batman Begins, Breakfast on Pluto)


NELLY DEAN
Who is She: She narrates the core events of Wuthering Heights to Lockwood--and, thusly, us. A housekeeper, I guess, she is a little older than everyone else and so is able to narrate the events with an almost perfect memory. Her compassion for these people makes her unreliable at times, though.

Previously played by: Academy Award Nominee Flora Robson (1939), Judy Cornwell (1970) and Academy Award Nominee Janet McTeer (1992)


My Choice: Hey, she turns 49 today! And is one of the greatest actresses in the English language!

Academy Award Winner Emma Thompson (Howards End, Angels in America)


CATHERINE EARNSHAW
Who is She: Daughter of the Earnshaw clan, she loves Heathcliff to an almost ridiculous intensity, but marries Edgar for the money and social power. Then she ruins everyone's lives. Beautiful and spoiled, arrogant and free-spirited, she is prone to mood-swings and temper tantrums.

Previously played by: Academy Award Nominee Merle Oberon (1939), Anna Calder-Marshall (1970) and Academy Award Winner Juliette Binoche (1992)


My Choice: Now, this is one bad-ass chick that men would obsess for.

Eva Green (Casino Royale, The Golden Compass)


HEATHCLIFF
Who is He: The lead guy of the novel, a vengeful orphan who is obsessively in love with Catherine. Because he cannot have her, he exacts a lifelong revenge on the entire Earnshaw-Linton bloodline. Sexy, kinda, if you're into that kind of thing.

Previously played by: Academy Award Winner Laurence Olivier (1939), Timothy Dalton (1970) and Academy Award Nominee Ralph Fiennes (1992)


My Choice: Former comedian, with dark enough features to do this. Superb actor, in my book.

Eric Bana (Troy, Lucky You)

Still want Natalie Portman?