Happy Halloween!

Final Girl has one up. Who Is the March King? did his. Hell, it's a tradition for every holiday: we must all list our favorite films in the genre that reflects the season.

Horror was my first favorite genre. Anyone who enjoys reading this blog has Tod Browning, James Whale, Bela Lugosi and Vincent Price to thank. I still regard Vincent Price as my favoritest actor of all time. I collected the toys, the Universal Monsters stamps, the scripts even! Just yesterday I got the soundtrack to Dr. Phibes Rises Again, the sequel to one of the films on this very list. Halloween is a special time for me: it encourages my adoration of horror, and brings others into my obsession. My Twitter followers will know my roommate and I have been having a Shocktoberfest Marathon (I swear, we didn't know Final Girl had one until a year after we started ours).

So, yeah: I love Horror movies. Here, for Halloween, are my twenty favorite horror movies:

20. Scream (1996, Wes Craven)

Even knowing the twist, the suspense and fear factor is always fresh. Great performances from the large ensemble, including Drew Barrymore and Rose McGowan. Glenn is through the Scream franchise scene by scene over at Stale Popcorn; it's a great read.

19. The Phantom of the Opera (1925, Rupert Julian)

Can you believe I first saw this in a large theatre with a live organist? It was Halloween night, I was in third grade, and my father insisted. Thanks, Dad! Lon Chaney's performance still haunts and touches me today.

18. Hausu (1977, Nobuhiku Obayashi)

The most recent addition to my List o' Love. Impossible to describe, except to say that it's a haunted house tale that's...highly original, to say the least. Criterion just released it, so try to snag a copy. You will never ever forget it.

17. Dracula (1931, Tod Browning)

My first favorite, and not just of horror. 'Twas this film that birthed my love of cinema. Blame Bela Lugosi's legendary performance, blame Tod Browning's mastery of the eerie, blame Universal for greenlighting it in the first place. Blame who you want, just let me have it!

16. The Haunted Palace (1963, Roger Corman)

The Tomb of Ligeia may be the best of the Corman/Price collaborations, but this one is my favorite. The opening credit sequence (above) is equaled only by the James Bond flicks. Vincent Price was at his best when he had a list of victims and a theme: in this case, the descendants of those who burned his warlock ancestor are the victims; fire is the method. It's also got Elisha Cook, Jr.!

15. The Wolf Man (1941, George Waggner)

Complicated protagonist? Questions on the nature of good and evil? Maria Ouspenskaya? This landmark Universal horror becomes more profound the older I get.

14. Night of the Living Dead (1968, George Romero)

Another cherished memory between father and son. Dad, me, Romero at midnight makes three. The end shocked and shook me...and I loved it.

13. House on Haunted Hill (1999, William Malone)

I know it's blasphemy to prefer a remake to the original, especially since the original starred my all-time favorite actor. Truth be told, though: I'm a bit of a gorehound, and this version does not disappoint. Geoffrey Rush rocks.

12. Trick 'R Treat (2008, Michael Doughtery)

Douglas Pipes' score alone! I'm a sucker for an ensemble flick, and with its four intersecting horror subplots, Trick 'R Treat is one of the more original ones. Funny and freaky. Deaky.

11. Village of the Damned (1960, Wolf Rilla)

Civilized horror, all the more chilling for the cold deliberateness of the perpetrators: children. The finale is suspenseful and exciting, anchored by a magnificent performance from George Sanders.

10. Theatre of Blood (1973, Douglas Hickox)

Price hams it up, murdering unkind critics in ways resembling the works of Shakespeare. The Titus Andronicus and Henry VI: Part One murders are my personal favorites, the latter significant for Price's fey mannerisms and large afro. Diana Rigg lends some sexy support.

9. The Wicker Man (2006, Neil LaBute)

I find the original dull; I find the remake incomprehensible in the best way possible. Hilarious, illogical, legendary. Nicolas Cage has gone OTT in many films, but this one is his masterpiece."How did she burn? How did she burn how did she burn?"

8. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935, James Whale)

Beautiful and atmospheric. Furhter exploring the themes of life and death, good and evil, God and Man, the film boasts Elsa Lanchester's bewigged Bride, Franz Waxman's score, and startling special effects that still hold up. Ernest Thesiger's Dr. Pretorius is Oscar-worthy, but there was no Supporting Actor category at the time. Alas.

7. House II: The Second Story (1987, Ethan Wiley)

It's almost a family film! Crystal skulls, drunk-driving zombies, John Ratzenberger as an electrician/adventurer! Bill Maher! Prehistoric pets! An adorable dogerpillar! House II, you're so good, you're so good, you're so good, baby you're so good!

6. Carrie (1976, Brian De Palma)

Pino Donaggio's score first got to me, along with that slo-mo tracking shot in the locker room. Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie received Oscar Nominations for their performances as awkward telekinetic teen Carrie White and her abusive, religious mother, respectively; Laurie should have won. The second-best thing Brian De Palma's done.

5. Halloween (1978, John Carpenter)

This will never not be scary. Never. I even have the score, as strange as that may seem. This movie gets under my skin. Every time I'm walking at night, even if it's just to put a garbage bag in the dumpster, I expect to see Michael Meyers creeping behind a bush...

4. Phantom of the Paradise (1974, Brian De Palma)

Horror-musical from Brian De Palma boasts campy performances and great songs. I admit, I get a litle misty-eyed at the end: the love story is too heartbreaking. Jessica Harper's heroine, Phoenix, is one of my greatest Cinema Crushes.

3. The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971, Robert Fuest)

Price's greatest performance, as silent and brooding organist/inventor Anton Phibes. Phibes is the most sympathetic character Price played, a man striking back methodically, madly, at the surgeons who allowed his wife to die on the operating table. Use the Ten Plagues of Egypt as a blueprint, each kill is more glorious than the last. A brilliant horror-comedy.

2. Freaks (1932, Tod Browning)

A slow-burn thriller that used real sideshow attractions in its cast, Freaks is unforgettable, atmospheric and just plain weird. The finale is terrifying, but the greatest scene, of course, is the Loving Cup. "Gooble gobble, one of us!" Even the Ramones couldn't resist!

1. The Black Cat (1934, Edgar G. Ulmer)

Bela Lugosi as the unexpected hero, Karloff as the Satanic villain. It doesn't show on this list, but no subgenre of horror makes me happier than Look Out for Satanists! This film has the most to do with that. But why #1? There are all sorts of reasons, actually. Every character is fully-developed, even the mute manservant Thamal (Harry Cording). The production design does not rely on Gothic architecture or decaying manors, but an art-deco mansion with sliding doors and modern conveniences. Terror can be anywhere. The finale with the Witches' Sabbath and Lugosi's shocking revenge has yet to be equaled. And you know what? I think Julie Bishop's heroine is fairly brave, smart, and well-rounded. Not for a 1930s character; for any character. Period.

Welcome to My Nightmare

I don't really have much to say about A Nightmare on Elm Street. It's very dull for the most part. The first act is atrocious, in terms of directing, writing, and acting. When Nancy suddenly becomes Nancy Drew, things almost start to get interesting, but they quickly go back to being dull. Because it's a shitty horror movie, it relies on jump scares for all of its scares. Jackie Earle Haley is creepy in the flashback sequences -- oh, there are flashbacks to the why and wherefore of Fred becoming Freddy, but these are oddly effective and neat -- but his burn victim Freddy of the nightmares is just irritating. Either make a new, darker Nightmare or keep the campy Freddy of old...combining the two is creepy and doesn't work.

No big surprise, I know. But I generally like the Platinum Dunes remakes. (I accidentally [?] typed that as mistakes the first time) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and its prequel have some genuinely capable actors, and Friday the 13th is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. But this one just seemed like no one was trying, which is astounding when you think about how long it is. Or at least so I thought...those 95 minutes fly by like 131. I seriously thought it was over two hours, and it was relatively short. What a boring, stupid movie. My friend tried to go to sleep during it. I repeat: during a film in which the villain murders you in your dreams, my friend tried to take a nap.

I shouldn't have wasted my money. I'm not a fan of the original franchise to begin with. It's one of those ideas that would work better as a short story or novella than as a film. Which is strange, because you'd think they'd be able to do amazing visuals with the dream sequences. But no, some vaseline around the lens is all we get, and every dreamscape is the same. I just don't get it. When did horror movies stop being entertaining?

Casting Coup: Footloose

Maybe it's because I flove Kevin Bacon. Maybe it's because I did the show twice -- once in sixth grade, then again my senior year of high school. Maybe it's because I just really dig the music.

The fact is, the prospect of a Footloose remake had me excited. Zac Efron, who I admire and respect as a talented singer and charismatic actor (those who say differently: quit hating on the popular kids -- it's sad), was cast as Ren, and surely if anyone could take the reigns from Mr. Bacon, it was Troy Bolton. Kenny Ortega, who co-choreographed my second favorite movie-musical Xanadu, would be directing and choreographing. And it was to be a musical, which meant we would actually get the film version of the stage show, notable for making Ren's mom and the Reverend's wife into actual characters.

Then Zefron dropped out. And then it was announced that the songs would all be original, so this would not be a stage-to-screen adaptation. And I got sad.

I hadn't heard anything about it for a while, so I looked it up today. And realized that I really need to pay attention to all movie news. I had no idea the role of Ren was recast in May. Nor did I know that the role of Ariel, the love interest, had been cast in June. I could kick myself for being so out of the loop. Any later and I'd be Juno.

So....

REN MCCORMACK
Who is He: The new kid in town who wants to dance...BUT DANCING'S A CRIME! In the musical version, he raps the law out of the legislature. Which is an interesting choice.

Originally played by: Golden Globe Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (The River Wild), SAG Award Winner for Best Ensemble (Apollo 13)

Kevin Bacon (Frost/Nixon, Mystic River)
Dance, Kev, dance!

Now played by:

Chace Crawford (TV's Gossip Girl, The Covenant)
We like Chace here at the SSR. But we also can't help but notice that he looks more or less like a taller Zac Efron. Playing it safe. Playing it pretty. I know he's a little older, but wouldn't Robert Hoffman be fun in this part? Hold that thought....


ARIEL MOORE
Who is She: The reverend's daughter. She's also a rebel! Look out for Miss Hot Pants, she's a live wire!

Originally played by: Golden Globe Winner for Best Ensemble (Short Cuts)

Lori Singer (The Falcon and the Snowman, Trouble in Mind)

Now played by:

Julianne Hough (TV's Dancing with the Stars)
Yes, so far Hough is best-known as one of the female dance partners on Dancing with the Stars. Don't worry, she's taking acting classes.

The film is slated for release June 10, 2010. And only two of the principals are cast. You know what's about to happen, right?

That's right. It's a dream cast for Footloose! CASTING COUP...ASSEMBLE!


CHUCK CRANSTON
Who is He: Oh, just the town bully. A roughneck among rednecks. Dates Ariel, but apparently he's all abusive. And stuff. In the MUSICAL (which they should totally do), he sings "The Girl Gets Around". You know the song?

"The girl gets around
She knows what she likes
I got what she needs
Just wait 'til tonight
We'll both make our move
Yeah, we'll cover some ground
The girl gets around, around, around, around, around, around
Good GOD, this girl gets around!"

Sex, sex, sex. My parents were right. My generation is definitely the more overtly sexual.

Originally played by:

Jim Youngs

My Choice:

Robert Hoffman (Step Up 2 the Streets, She's the Man)
Yes, he's almost thirty, but that doesn't stop Eric Christian Olsen from playing high schoolers. Come on. You know you want to see this. You're thinking..."YES! YES YES YES! YES YES YESYESYES! YES YES YES! YES! YES YES YES!"


ETHEL MCCORMACK
Who is She: Ren's mother. That's all she is in the film. In the MUSICAL (man, I hope they decide to do that), she gets a duet with Vi about how she wants to speak her mind.

Originally played by: Frances Lee McCain

My Choice: Academy Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress (L.A. Confidential), BAFTA Award Nominee for Best Actress (L.A. Confidential), Golden Globe Winner for Best Supporting Actress (L.A. Confidential), SAG Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress (L.A. Confidential)

Kim Basinger (Batman, The Informers)
Okay, so this is funny. While browsing through movie news, I saw on IMDb's Footloose page the news item: "Basinger to play Zac Efron's Mom". And I thought to myself, "Curious." As it turns out, it's a different movie altogether, and is on IMDb's Footloose page because it mentions how Zac dropped out of the musical to do this movie, I think. Anyway, The idea of Basinger in this role just wouldn't leave me, and after discovering that she does, in fact, have a beautiful voice, I went with it. Much to my surprise. I'm not a huge Basinger fan, but somet hings just feel right. This is one of those times.

RUSTY
Who is She: Ariel's best friend. Loves the a-rhythmic Willard. Also sings a number of songs at random: "Somebody's Eyes", "Let's Hear It for the Boy", "Holding Out for a Hero". You know, the good stuff.

Originally played by: Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy (The Family Stone)

Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex and the City, Girls Just Want to Have Fun)

My Choice: SAG Award Nominee for Best Ensemble (Bobby)

Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Sky High, Live Free or Die Hard)
Oh, man, I don't even know if she can sing. Maybe this wasn't the best choice. Except that she's really, really hot. And a good actress. Could she be too pretty? Maybe if they gave her glasses. That's movie shorthand for not pretty. Okay, I just looked it up -- she did Broadway musicals. She's in.


WILLARD HEWITT III
Who is He: Ren's friend in town, a guy who can't dance and appears to be reluctantly enamored of Rusty. He does love his Mama, though. At least, in the MUSICAL (hey, that'd be a good film, too!).

Originally played by: Golden Globe Winner for Best Ensemble (Short Cuts)

Chris Penn (Rush Hour, Corky Romano)

My Choice:

Chris Warren, Jr. (High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Love & Basketball)
Young, talented, and has yet to make a name for himself outside of the High School Musical series. And true, maybe playing a supporting role in a high school-set musical starring Zefron's older brother isn't the way to go. But, uh, still. You know.


VI MOORE
Who is She: The reverend's much put-upon wife. She is the heart and conscious of the story, leading both daughter and husband to the correct path when they veer too far off. Best damn role in the movie, really. The one in the MUSICAL WHICH THEY SHOULD DO ain't shabby either.

Originally played by: Academy Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress (Hannah and Her Sisters, Bullets Over Broadway), BAFTA Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actres (Radio Days), Golden Globe Winner for Best Supporting Actress (Bullets Over Broadway), SAG Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress (Bullets Over Broadway) and Best Ensemble (The Birdcage)

Dianne Wiest (Synecdoche, New York, Dan in Real Life)
Sometimes, I think I should've given Samantha Morton's spot at this year's Hollmann Awards to Dianne Wiest. But is that just, or just fanboyosity? Morton was pretty B.A. in that movie, after all.

My Choice: Academy Award Nominee for Best Actress (Transamerica), Golden Globe Winner for Best Actress in a Drama (Transamerica), SAG Award Nominee for Best Actress (Transamerica)

Felicity Huffman (Hackers, Magnolia)
Hardest role to cast, really. I wanted someone who could sing, though Vi only has one song, and it's not the most difficult piece in the world. I also wanted someone who could conceivably give birth to Julianne Hough. I went through many: Michelle Pfeiffer (too pretty), Patricia Clarkson (too sexy), Allison Janney (don't like her voice), Hope Davis (can she sing?), Embeth Davidtz (can she sing?). Last night, I went to bed thinking maybe Felicity could do it. But then this morning I thought maybe Marcia Gay Harden could do it, too. I submitted the problem to my roommate -- who, strangely enough, also suggested Michelle Pfeiffer and Embeth Davidtz, before I explained I had two finalists -- and we decided. It must be Felicity Huffman, who is pretty, but could convincingly play a small-town preacher's wife. Also, she sang back-up for Tina Turner once.


REVEREND SHAW MOORE
Who is He: Oh, the town may have a mayor (actually...does it?), but we know who's really in charge. Shaken by the death of his son, Shaw goes on a religious crusade, banning dance and secular music. In the MUSICAL, he gets most of the original songs, huge monologues set to music. I know: most solos are just that. But I mean...they really sound like a guy droning on while music plays. On the original cast album, at least. In both productions I was in, the reverend was perfect.

Originally played by: Academy Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor (The World According to Garp, Terms of Endearment)

John Lithgow (Confessions of a Shopaholic, Harry and the Hendersons)
And much as I would love to see him reprise this role, it being a rare, restrained performance, I sha'n't pollute this version with visions of the past.

My Choice: Academy Award Winner for Best Actor (American Beauty) and Best Supporting Actor (The Usual Suspects), BAFTA Award Winner for Best Actor (American Beauty), Golden Globe Nominee for Best Actor in a Drama (American Beauty, The Shipping News), Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy (Beyond the Sea) and Best Supporting Actor (The Usual Suspects), SAG Award Winner for Best Actor (American Beauty) and Best Ensemble (American Beauty)

Kevin Spacey (Moon, L.A. Confidential)
Phenomenal actor. He can sing, he can do accents, he's a class act. Not even the great Maggie Smith has won every Oscar she's been nominated for. Kevin Spacey? Walk in the park.

***

Oh, if only they would get that cast to join Chace and Julianne. That's a movie I'd see in theaters twice. If it was the MUSICAL, I mean.

Films, Films, Films

Thank God Oscar season is over. I look forward to it all year, but it's nice when I can turn my attention back to films now playing, or to movies I've never seen before. It feels good.

500 DAYS OF SUMMER



Lord, what a movie. I saw this at a special screening where I got to meet the director. But even without meeting him, I had already decided: this is one of the best romantic-comedies I have ever seen. Much like Annie Hall, it's a non-linear look at a relationship: the beginning, the end, the good times, the horrible times, and everything in between. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the romantic, Tom, who works at a greeting card company, believing in True Love, Fate, and the Land of Meant-to-Be. Zooey Deschanel is the titular Summer, enigmatic and beautiful, who does not believe in any of those things, but believes that one just goes through life, has romances, and la-di-da. Tom sees Summer, realizes that she is the One, and we've got our movie.

The movie is damn near perfect. It's a familiar situation, a familiar plotline, but it feels so unique and fresh. The soundtrack is incredible, featuring The Smiths, Regina Spektor, Simon & Garfunkel, Patrick Swayze, and a host of others that I adore. Everyone has been the Tom in a relationship, convinced they have found their Perfect Match, painting themselves as the wronged one when the relationship goes sour -- but I love how the screenplay does not entirely absolve him of any blame. It's a believably-written piece with some great fantasy sequences (the Morning After dance is spot-on). Deschanel is appropriately ethereal, and we get to know just enough about her to see why Tom falls in love. But this is Gordon-Levitt's film, all the way, and hopefully this will introduce him to a broader audience.

500 Days of Summer comes out in limited release July 17.


CORALINE

I like Henry Selick. I've only seen James and the Giant Peach and The Nightmare before Christmas, but I adore what vision and imagination he displays. Coraline is no different. Based on a story by Neil Gaiman, the film tells how a bored little girl (Dakota Fanning) discovers an alternate version of her home, where her parents are less neglectful, candy is everywhere, cats talk, and her oddball neighbors entertain her just for the sake of it. Of course, this other world has a sinister side, and Coraline is eventually put into a position where she must stop it.



Selick once said that he makes kids' movies for brave children. And you would have to be for Coraline. If ever there was a man who so perfectly captures the terror that comes when the familiar becomes strange, it's Henry Selick. The Other Mother (Teri Hatcher) must be one of the most frightening screen villains I've seen; I can only imagine the trauma that comes with the 3D version. The music by Bruno Coulais is beautiful, and there's a short song by They Might Be Giants that's pretty catchy. The voice actors serve their characters well here, especially Keith David as the Cat -- his soft purr is perfect (I know, I know).

All told, it's an effective film. I wish we had gotten to know more about some of the characters. Many are one-scene wonders that are only seen again through their more Satanic "other" images, and one character was mentioned throughout, but only shows up at the end in an unspectacular fashion, almost as though Selick forgot to put them in. A shame, really, since you're waiting for the character, and you never get to know them. But as a kid's movie, it works magnificently. It's no Monster House, but it's scary and entertaining.


FRIDAY THE 13TH



These two are worth the price of admission. Not Jason. Not the most misogynistic portrayals of women I've ever seen (and I LOVE slasher films). Not even the death scenes, which, other than the one arrow scene, are pretty dull. Aaron Yoo and Arlen Escarpeta decide to have a little fun with these horribly written characters. It's a shame they took the job: Chewie (Yoo) and Lawrence (Escarpeta) are the only minorities. They are written as pathetic stoner losers who never get laid, and never will. Their bromance, though, is the most sincere element of this film.

It starts out strongly. Fifteen minutes go by, and you realize you just sat through a pre-credits sequence. There's one excellent death there. Plus a sex scene in a tent. I don't know, though, the rest of the movie was horrible. Laughable. Is it too much to expect actual terror and suspense and, you know, HORROR from a horror movie? God, i don't even remember there being any jump scares. There was just nothing there. So many random characters are introduced, built up, then forgotten about. The ending is non-sensical and annoying. The editing and cinematography distract from the story, and you can barely tell where anyone is relative to Jason. Pathetic.

But there were these two. And Trent. Trent is the heroine's douchebag boyfriend, played by Travis Van Winkle. You may remember him from Transformers, also produced by Michael Bay, wherein he played the heroine's douchebag boyfriend...named Trent. It's the same character. It is literally the same character. But he has the single greatest line I've ever heard in a sex scene.

"Your tits are...stupendous!!!"

Yeah. $9.50 at the AMC.


WATCHMEN

You know, I liked this movie. I didn't love it. There were definitely some parts that I hated (Nixon scenes). There were parts that I thought were perfect (everything Rorschach). I do feel Zack Snyder raised the bar. It's a ballsy adaptation, one that is both obsessively faithful and daringly distant from the work. The ending is changed, and I think this raises the stakes and enriches the characters. The slo-mo, speed-up effects did not bother me at all. They were different, they were awesome, they let me see every detail. It worked for the film.

Look, it's a difficult work to adapt, but Snyder and screenwriters Alex Tse and David Hayter did a good job. Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) does suffer the most -- his character is poorly-developed, and try as he might, Goode just can't raise this character beyond old-school Bond territory. Laurie/Silk Spectre (Malik Akerman) is less whiny than I recall, but Akerman seems lost. Some of her scenes are excellent, many are just annoying. In fact, I say "NO" to the women in the film as a whole. They are neither well-played, nor well-developed. The only female role that caught my attention was Silhouette (Appolonia Vanova), the lesbian hero who only appears in the opening credits, but Lord to what effect!



Again, though, there's much to admire. The men, as a whole, do fantastic work here. It's almost as though the characters were first written with them in mind, all the way back in the 1980s. Patrick Wilson, Billy Crudup, Stephen McHattie, and especially Jackie Earle Haley and Jeffrey Dean Morgan are first-rate. True, there are things I did not entirely care for in these roles -- Dr. Manhattan's backstory bored me, whereas Nite Owl gets one of the worst moments of the film -- but these are hardly due to the actors. These are truly great performances of complicated characters.

I would like to see it again. Midnight showings of three-hour films do not a clear mind make. Though, on that note, some advice to filmmakers. If your film is over two and a half hours, never include the line, "It will never end." Come on. You're just begging for criticism.

With all this hoopla concerning My Fair Lady: Fair Harder (mostly from you, Jenn), I think it's time we do a little discussion about all this. All this....casting. But it's not a casting coup. This is an open discussion in which we bounce ideas off of one another.

For instance, the casting of Keira Knightley. Quite daring, really. I mean, who would ever have thought to replace this:



with this:



Seriously. Casting a flawlessly gorgeous, skinny brunette in the role originated by a flawlessly gorgeous, skinny brunette? Amazing!

My issue with this is that it's too obvious. Casting Keira Knightley or Natalie Portman or Jennifer Love Hewitt in an Audrey role just smacks of safety. That's part of the reason why I needed Maggie Grace as my Holly Golightly. She's a buxom blonde, and does not immediately call to mind the original. The audience subconsciously remains unbiased. You immediately expect something different.

So, who would I have chosen? It's a tough decision. I'd like a brunette in the role, just not a waif. Maybe Martine McCutcheon: who played the role in London's West End, and won the Olivier for it:



On the other hand, I think Eliza's supposed to be younger than Martine's 32 years. Still, she doesn't look it, and she played the role onstage. Of course, film is a different medium, with close-ups and the like. On the other hand, Audrey was 33 when the original was released. Hm.

Moot point, though. Keira's a done deal. But who would you like to see cast in the role?

Martine:


Continue for the rest of the cast...
The problem is, the original had such a perfect group of actors. Stanley Holloway and Rex Harrison reprised their Broadway roles of Alfred Doolittle and Henry Higgins. Wilfrid Hyde-White was an excellent Colonel Pickering, one that absolutely stole my heart when I first saw it. (As I get older, of course, I identify more and more with Higgins) Jeremy Brett, later Sherlock Holmes, was that excellent quasi-love interest, while Gladys Cooper actually managed to steal scenes from Rex Fucking Harrison as his mother.

Who in the world could possibly compete with these phenomenal actors? Who would dare try the role on for size, in a non-dubbed version with both stars and up-and-comers?

Me, I prefer to see films with an all-star cast and only one or two unknowns. This does two things: guarantees a great marquee, and allows a newcomer to cut his or teeth with some actual human beings. However, since Eliza is (once again) being cast for star appeal, that leaves only one other character who can be played by a newcomer:

Freddy Eynsford-Hill. Freddy meets Eliza outside Covent Garden, when she's still a flower girl. But, you know, she's a flower girl, so he doesn't notice her. He next meets her at Ascot, and is completely smitten by her. He gets to sing one of the loveliest songs ever written by anyone:



So, yes, I say an unknown. Or, how about a dashing British actor who we already know is a passable singer (I think, at least)?



The only thing is, for me at least, this song has to be effing beautiful. This actor was dubbed. And it's wonderful, and he sells it. Still, I'd love to a boyish Christian Bale wearing that hat. Or an unknown.

It was mentioned before that Michael Caine could play Henry Higgins. To which I reply: nnggh. I love Michael Caine, everyone knows that. He's my favorite living actor. But alas, he's far too old and far too Cockney to play Henry Higgins. One can interpret the Eliza-Higgins relationship as either paternal or romantic. It could go either way. With Michael Caine, what you have here is an old man lusting after a bright young thing. And also, he's Cockney. Far too rough to play a role like Higgins.



On the other hand, he may be suitable for the role of Eliza's chimney-sweep father, Alfred P. Doolittle, who pays Higgins to keep the girl away from him. I ask you to picture Michael Caine singing an ode to laziness:



Stanley Holloway, that guy, was 74 when he made the film. Michael Caine is 75. Hm. I say OK.

You see, Higgins need to be within the twenty-year age difference. Freddy needs to be within the fifteen-year age difference. The other characters: who cares? Twenty to forty years, I believe, is most appropriate. The only other rule of thumb is that Higgins' mother must be played by an actress who is, at least, fifteen to twenty years older than the man playing Higgins. Or, once again, she must at least look like she is.

Example: Footloose. In the movie, hot babe Lori Singer plays Ariel, the sixteen-year-old daughter of plain preacher's wife Vi, played by Dianne Wiest. And it looks passable. But did you know there's only a seven-year difference between the two? Incroyable!

Such is the case with Mrs. Higgins. Someone who can pass as much, much older than most of the cast. Maybe not Pickering, but the rest.

This gives us a number of choices. A heavily made-up Julie Walters?



A typically typecast Judi Dench?



Or a most-in-need-of-a-career-resurgence Joan Plowright?



Myself, I'm in the Plowright camp, though surely some consideration for Miss Marples wouldn't do any harm, like Angela Lansbury or Geraldine McEwan or Julia McKenzie.





Though, now that I think about, they'd be better suited for Freddy's mother. Especially Geraldine. Ooh, especially Geraldine....

That leaves us with two characters left, and anyone could play either part. Colonel Pickering, for instance, is older and wiser than Higgins, more in touch with people's feelings. Yet he can be just as playfully mischievous. He can be tall, he can be short. He can elderly, he can be middle-aged. Literally anyone who can do a British accent could play this role. Give Hugh Grant some makeup, and BOOM there you have it.

In all serious, though, there are a number of people who could play Col. Pickering. First in my mind is the great Christopher Lee, who needs to be seen outside a horror/fantasy/sci-fi flick and show off his musical talents.



Then there's Leslie Phillips, the Hollmann Nominee for Best Supporting Actor in 2006 for the film Venus. The star of that film, of course, was Peter O'Toole, who played Higgins in a TV version of Pygmalion, the straight play upon which My Fair Lady is based. He was also the studio's choice for the original film. Still, Leslie Phillips:



Not Ian McKellen, though. Too much star power for this part. You know who'd also be cool, though? Vincent Price. But he's dead, so I guess that leaves him out of it. Maybe Derek Jacobi or James Cromwell or Donald Sutherland or Michael Gambon. They'd all be great for the role.






And that just leaves us with one person. The greatest role ever written for a musical. Henry Higgins.

Like I said, Higgins should be in that twenty-year range with Eliza. For Keira Knightley, this means someone in their forties, though maybe fifty-five would be a good stop. For Martine McCutcheon, this means closer to fifty-three, maybe sixty as a stopping point. No, strike that. Fifty-five. Period. Come to that, maybe keep the age range at forty-five to fifty-five years old. Now you got something.

Ben suggested Colin Firth, who will supposedly show off his musical abilities in Mamma Mia! this summer.



Colin is forty-eight years old and can play father and lover with equal ease. Perhaps, though, he's too dashing to play Higgins. Could we believe him saying: "I'd prefer a new additon/To the Spanish Inquisition/Than to ever let a woman in my life"? Hm.

Still, that's more believable than one of my suggestions: Colin's co-star, Pierce Brosnan.



Yeah, right. Stupid me. Brosnan will eternally resemble the jerk-off friend of yours whose company you retain despite the fact that he's been with every girl you've ever had a crush on. Look at him. Can you please stop eye-fucking the room, Pierce?

As for men that push the limit, there's a 64-year-old Welshman and a 57-year-old Australian that would be great for the part:



Timothy Dalton



Geoffrey Rush.

Though Rush's Australian accent may be a distraction. Perhaps we would do better with an actual Englishman.

Yes, an Englishman who is handsome.

A sophisticated man.

One who could believably keep women away, yet still fall for Keira Knightley.

One who can sing, who has already done a Hollywood musical.

One who is fifty-five years old, exactly.

I have your man, remake-makers.



Ciaran Hinds