Saturday, January 23, 2010

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The Pregnancy Pact: A Live-Blogging Revolution

Anderson Cooper. I like this already.
"We have not been able to confirm the existence of a pact." Already it's the greatest movie ever.
Teenagers. They sure have wild hormones, amiright?
Camryn Manheim is very serious about pregnancy tests. Does she not see the hope and joy in the girl's face as she anticipates being knocked up? The crestfallen expression as she turns out not to be? Shouldn't Camryn be more concerned?
Oh-ho, she may not be pregnant yet, but she'll keep trying!
"Let's just hang out, you and me." "You know I want to, but I don't want you getting into trouble, again." This is the most light-hearted reference to miscarriage (abortion?) ever.
Thora Birch runs a For Teens website called ForTeens.Net. Hilary Clinton rocks! Jamie Lynn Spears is a whore! "I know who I'd rather be."
Curfews prevent pregnancy. I know this because the Homely Lady on Pregnancy Pact told me and the rest of the world.
Thora Birch is returning to her hometown to see what's the skinny on these preggo teens. It's a cautionary tale AND a journalistic thriller?
The second time around, that girl gets pregnant. By some guy named Troy. Another friend was impreggoed by "what's-his-name."
"OMIGOD I HAVE A LITTLE BABY INSIDE ME!" "It's like a best friend!"
Pregnant teen is smoking with her boyfriend and his lazy mom! First girl's mom is absent!
Heartwarming conversation between our main character (you can tell b/c she looks doubtful about getting pregnant).
Sarah is the main girl. Her mom runs a restaurant and says teen pregnancy is, like, whatever man. And the principal refuses to offer contraceptives at school because the girls getting pregnant are doing so on PURPOSE. He makes a good point, but I'd say the contraceptives would certainly help the boys.
"Hey, Daddy. Tuna casserile coming up." AWW ISN'T SHE THE BEST EVER I HOPE SHE DOESN'T GET PREGNANT AND DISAPPOINT HER HOT MOM AND UNEMPLOYED DADDY! At least she's dating church-going Jesse, but Dad still thinks teenagers will have sex.
Annnnd he's right. And Jesse's proposed to Sarah. She responds: "I wish I was sixteen right now." She wants marriage now; he wants to wait until they graduate, go to college, have a future.
Oh my God, the sound went out!
It's back, thank God, just in time for Nancy Drew (Thora Birch) to arrive. She lived there two years, but had no friends. Well, one boyfriend. I wonder if it's the sad-looking guy watching her videos alone in his room?
Sarah's Hot Mom is against this whole "birth control" idea. Nancy Birch comes into her restaurant, tells Hot Mom about her mission to break the story on teen pregnancy. Hot Mom thinks it's inappropriate, but Thora Drew just smiles blankly.
Wait...weepy guy works at the school. And there's a girl with a fucking baby! But her boyfriend still left!
Dude...when a girl is talking marriage at 15, that is not the time to fuck her. I know, I know: it's always time to fuck her. But this isn't that time.
Sarah got pregnant! She feels bad about it, but the other girls are all, "It's sooo cool!" Pregnancy = popularity! Yay!

9:18 PM

That cookie diet commercial with a six-packed Santa Claus is the best part so far.
Guitar strings mean poignant pregnant moments. Sarah looks at herself in the mirror.
First Girl feels awful that her mother doesn't want the baby. "Who wants to be a grandmother at 31?" But if that girl's 15, then her mom was about the same age when she had her, right? Maybe that's why she's so strict.
Drew Barrymore won a SAG Award. So this convo between Thora Birch and Wussy Ass is irrelevant.
There's a day-care for students? Is this art the school? Is this because the entire sophomore class got pregnant? And they're NOT handing out contraceptives?
Family Values Council is not OK with birth control? No one at this hearing likes the truth: teenagers have sex.
"Our girls are getting pregnant at an epidemic rate."
"It was ten [girls] two months ago. It's EIGHTEEN NOW!"
Hot Mom looks like my English teacher from junior year of high school.
Camryn Manheim just resigned in protest! That's right, girl, you fight the good fight! By abandoning the girls in their time of need!
First Girl is named Carissa. And it looks like her boyfriend just found out! But he doesn't care, so she tells him to get away from her! He calls her a freak! this how teens would react? I like to think the shell-shocked Bleeker was the truest reaction.
Oh, Sarah, you had your chance to tell him the truth. You fucked up.
Oh, no! She got a case of the Preggo Vomits at work! She says it was the smell of the onions. And that is how Hot Mom knows that she's pregnant! Too bad, Thora Birch; Hot Mom is the real detective.
"Think you're a man? Come here and talk to me like a man!" That's how all dads should speak to the men who knocked up their little girls. Oh, and Sarah's dad dragged her to Jesse's house to tell the family. It's hilarious. I love that the boys look victimized, like they thought they were wearing invisible condoms or something. Funny.

9:34 PM

Ha, Dear John ads!

So, to recap: Sarah, Carissa, and other girls got pregnant. None of the guys are involved, except for when Sarah's dad dragged Sarah to face her boyfriend Jesse, who is a couple years older than her and talking about going to college. Carissa's mother refuses to raise the baby for her. Hot Mom does not believe in contraceptives. Camryn Manheim
Dad reasons that he said they'd have sex. "You're supposed to be the Queen of Abstinence and you can't even convince your own daughter!" Screaming matches are awesome!
Sarah has no idea why Jesse would freak out. He feels guilty and stupid. "I should have pulled out every time, or figured out a way to get condoms without anyone knowing." Pulling out doesn't really work like that, but nice try.
Thora Birch is shocked that these girls are so excited about getting pregnant. But they're lying about wanting it. Whoa, and one of them just called the other's mother an alky. Someone's got the bitch shoes on today.
Thora thinks Sarah isn't pregnant and is asking bizarre questions. Oh-ho, but she won't record Sarah when she realizes she's pregnant! Because that would be tasteless! Getting a real, undemented perspective is in bad taste!
The sneer on Sarah's face when Thora suggests that abortion is an option is...scary. She's about to cut a bitch.
Really, this movie isn't just about the girls, but about stupid parents who, in their attempts to shelter their children, fuck them up even more. It's true. My sister met some pot connections at church. Truth.
The Mom vs. Daughter Argument begins!: "So I guess I'm just a slut." "I swear I don't know that girl anymore."
Thora Birch has been kicked off campus by ex-boyfriend after the superintendent tells the school to stop talking to the press. She thinsk the girls need someone to talk to; he just wants to get to his daughter's birthday. "Daddy!" shouts an adorable toddler in the lobby.
The baseball players sneer at the preggos.
Oh, no, one of the girls didn't apply for day care in time! And now TIME Magazine is on the case! "I guess I could spare some time for TIME," quips the principal. Wait, did he not get the superintendent's order? Did anyone besides Thora's ex? Because no one else seems aware of it.

9:49 PM

Carissa is planning on partying. The girls want to go to one last hurrah. Sarah's bestie reasons that Mary was 14. And Stupid Face is all, "You think we don't get it, but I have a little brother."
Thora Birch just walked in with a girl wanting to buy condoms. She bought them, and said it's a decision between being uncomfortable for five minutes and uncomfortable for nine months. Thora thinks she's too young for sex, but the girl is all, "Everyone's doing it, but I'm not retarded, I'm using condoms."
Tender moment between Sarah and Jesse as they lie on top of his car. "I'm gonna be real with you: I've been miserable." She asks if he wants the child. He is SILENT. He suggests...maybe an abortion? He wants to go to college, leave this town, play baseball. "What about me? I thought you loved me?" He wants her to come with him, but she doesn't want to live home. He won't want to when he sees the baby, either! This. Bitch. Is. Crazy.
"Next up is the rummage sale." Like ABANDONED OUT-OF-WEDLOCK BABIES BORN OF TEENS???
It costs $13,000 for one slot at the day care? Thora Birch is not OK with this, and just brought up Hot Mom's own pregnant daughter. By the looks on the School Board's faces, I'd say they didn't even know. AWKWARD. And AWESOME.
This movie could easily have been just one hour. I'm zoning through these parental conversations. Blah-blah-blah child support hoity-hum.
Thora Birch just met with her ex-bf. She got pregnant and aborted it. No wonder she's so touchy about this!
The media got ahold of it! Thora found out about the pact (from TIME!)! "I don't even know what that word means!" says Stupid Face. They flashback:
"You have to swear that we're all going to get pregnant together." "This is so cool!" No, really, that's the dialogue.


Why is this movie still on?
Carissa, Sarah, Iris and Rose all took the pact. They swear Thora to secrecy, but the national news already got hold of it. Hot Mom thinks Thora is doing DAMAGE. She doesn't believe these rumors of the pact and gives them milkshakes.
"So this is what it feels like to be Jamie-Lynn Spears!" BEST. MOMENT. EVER.
Jesse confronts Sarah. Asks for the truth of the pact. She lies unconvincingly. "Did you pregnant on purpose?" I know this is a true story, but I hate to think that people are this stupid. You knew you were cumming in her, right?
The principal was "foggy in his memory" of how he learned of the pact, so says the mayor. Now it's all awkward. Jesse's dad points out that, legally spoeaking, he's guilty of statutory rape. This starst a yelling match that is...snore?
Hot Mom and Sarah are at the doctor's. Sarah can't believe Jesse won't join them. Sarah doesn't look "disappointed" so much as she looks "thirsty for the blood of the innocent." Hot Mom calls the baby a precious gift.
Sarah shows Jesse the video of the sonogram. And aww, his heart is melting! I hope he gives up his future to help raise the kid! Because he already did. Like, really, you thought it was better to fill her with sperm rather than buy a condom?
Heartless reporters come to interrogate Sarah's Dad and Jesse. The men are arrested for assaulting the reporter and camera guy, and Sarah realizes just how fucked up this sitch is. I'm always confused by these things. I always think there should be a law stating that beating up Heartless Reporters is the least you can do. It's their job, sure, but surely they knew they were risking their lives when they decided to become cunts.


The villagers still deny the Pact. Thora Birch is interviewed by the media. She says we're asking the wrong questions. The real question: why are so many girls choosing this?
At Sarah's house, her dad returns from jail. "Was it that bad? Spending the night in jail?" YES. "It's all my fault isn't it?" What? Yes!
The Council wants Hot Mom to step down, what with an arrested hubby and pregnant daughter. Hot Mom reasonably offended, but quietly so. This is real ACTING.
Only Sarah goes to Thora's house, no camera. Just two chicks gabbing. Thora asks why she would want to get pregnant. "Everyone wants to have a baby. I don't see what makes the difference if I have one now or ten years from now." All she needs to be happy is to be married and have a kid. Thora can't believe a girl would want to be a mom/housewife! Some girls do -- in fact, my mother would applaud this, but would probably prefer the girl waits until after college, then marries someone with a real job.
Stupid Face had her baby. She tore really badly. Sarah: "Tore what?" Carissa: "Down there, stupid." The baby daddy is all "whatever or something". Sarah just realized where babies REALLY come from. Also, very obvious stock footage of a baby getting oxygen. Grainy, 90s-era photography.
Thora's ex is beginning to think that ignoring the problem until it goes away isn't the best idea. Maybe they should encourage kids to use birth control! This man has all the emotion of a stick. His worry face and his epiphany face are the same: dumb.
The principal tells the press the mayor never talked to him! His memory isn't foggy! The pact is true! Leave these kids alone! Also, maybe there wasn't a pact! Who knows!
Thora wants Sarah to make people think. Tell the world about the pact anonymously! Of course, Thora and Sarah talk about this just as Hot Mom and Jesse walk by, looking for her. Now they KNOW there was a pact. Remember, everyone's in denial. Don't they know the title?
Jesse runs off and gets in his car. Please get into an accident.

10:?? PM

I missed Betty White's Lifetime Achievement Award for THIS? Fuck you, roommate. Last time I cave to your peer pressure.
I love that Carissa's mom is kicking her out of the car to run into baby daddy Troy. "Tell him he's the father." "You're a hypocrite! You didn't tell my father." "Yeah. Do I look like I'm happy?"
Pregnant girl wit Solo cup in background. I love this movie. But what is this party?
Sarah is off to find Jesse. Her parents sit shell-shocked about her "plotting and lying" and pact-making. "At least my baby won't care if I have sex or not! Or if I go to college! I love Jesse! So if I'm not grounded, I'm gonna go out and find him!" And she's off.
At the party, the preggos look for drinks. Apparently, Stupid Face can't even hold her baby. Carissa realizes her mistake and tries to convince the others that they're all dumb.
Pregnant girl in shorts and bikini top. God bless you, roommate. Keep peer-pressuring me.
Jesse stands alone. Sarah walks up to him. He walks away. She follows. He's mad that she lied to him. "It doesn't change that you made a chump out of me." He finally tells her that he doesn't want a baby! "Not with anyone! Especially not with a liar like you! I really thought we'd be together. I really did. But you ruined it. It is all ruined because of you." And he's crying. Not in an effective way, but in a bitchy way. And as he runs off, Sarah takes a swig of tequila. I don't exaggerate about any of this.
Thora confronts Hot Mom. Hot Mom tells her to stay out of this. Thora Birch asks why her daughter's an idiot. They say this in many different ways for five minutes. That's the whole convo. Thora confesses her pregnancy and abortion on her video blog. Her ex wanted the baby, so he dumped her. And it's all very "touching", especially hwen her ex watches this and criues.
The girls come back from the party. They are trashed. And pregnant. but Sarah passes out! Hot Mom runs to her child, yells to call 911, and tries to wake her up!
By the way, the promo photo they use to go to commercial looks like Village of the Damned but with pregnant teens. Great fun.

10:48 PM

The Exciting Conclusion.
Sarah's in the hospital. She still isn't showing. Hot Mom and Dad stand by. Doctor tells them her blood alcohol level is over .20 (!!), but it could damage the child at this stage of the pregnancy. What stage is this?
Sarah wishes she waited. Hot Mom reveals she and Dad had premarital sex. Hot Mom lied because she was afraid Sarah wouldn't take her seriously if she knew the truth. Sarah thought if she got pregnant, Jesse would stay. "So I tricked him." No, you had sex with him. Whether he knew you wanted to get pregnant or not, he still went bareback on you.
Thora Birch did not get an abortion, she gave him up for adoption. Now the Ex is determined to find him. Thora decides she'd rather not know, because it was for the best.
Stupid Face is having trouble with the kid. Carissa thinks the girls should consider adoption for their kids.
Hot Mom refuses to resign. Their mission is to help teen parents, so as someone with a personal connection, she needs to stay on. And maybe the Council should try "honesty" and "contraception". Then Thora tells Sarah she made a speech about how Hot Mom convinced her contraceptives don't change everything. And if a liberal like her can be swayed by Hot Mom, then she should stay as president! No, really, that's what they said. That's the logic.
Sarah will have the baby, grow up, and keep watching Thora's show.
The Principal resigns after being slandered and abandoned for telling the truth. None of the girls confessed to the pact. Stupid Face smokes and ignores the kid. Sarah finally shows. Jesse gets a new girlfriend who likes to sit right in front of Sarah. Sarah has her baby and loves it. Thora has a monologue about choices and sex education, I guess, or something. Then a slo-mo shot of Sarah playing with her baby.
And that's the movie. Now Camryn Manheim, who disappeared within the first twenty minutes, gives a talk about how parents are the best teachers. Go to Lifetime's website for more info. Well don't you talk to me, Camryn. You left. Thora stayed.

And that's The Pregnancy Pact, a Lifetime Original Movie. I learned how to be smug in a new way. I also learned that I don't know what Nancy Travis looks like -- she played Hot Mom, as it turns out. What a fox. And she's almost fifty!

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